Changes

Seven years. It has been seven years since my last post.

I am a different person than I was 7 years ago. I have grown as a person, a wife, a mother, a professional, and as a former member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints.

Never, ever, ever did I expect to be where I am today. Never.

My husband is an exceptional human being.  For far too long, I believed that he was broken, that *I* was broken.  Shame and guilt are horrific things.  Pornography addiction is real. It can lead to broken lives, broken hearts, broken families, and broken promises.  I no longer believe that the experiences my husband has gone through was a true addiction.  A coping mechanism? Of course. A stress release? Yes.  A bad habit? Definitely. An addiction? Absolutely not. My husbands ability to live life without the vices of pornography for 95% of the time is admirable. His occasional viewing (often many months to years between views) did not effect his ability to live an honorable life. He has always been a kind, humble, caring, smart, loving human being. He spent ALL of his time feeling like a failure, unable to cope with the normal stresses of life, shameful that he he had normal sexual desires. I often withheld intimacy as a punishment for his perceived weakness.  Human beings are sexual creatures. We are meant to be attracted to bodies in order to perpetuate the human species. Sex is beautiful, wonderful, amazing, bonding, and down right fun!  It is suppose to be. Sex is a gift and a blessing. My husband's pornography viewing habits broke my heart because I felt that he did not love me.  Occasional viewing paired with masturbation made me feel like I was flawed and somehow not living up to the expectations of what a partner, wife, and lover should be.  My husband's occasional pornography use and coping mechanism has NOTHING to do with me. Nothing. The guilt and shame that my husband has carried for decades broke him.  Leo is a hard worker in all aspects of life. He is successful in his professional life, his educational life, his family life and his personal life.  He is my hero. I am not sure that I could ask for a better life partner and father for our children.  Does my husband love me? Yes, with all of his heart. Does he want to sleep with other women? Nope. Does he want to have an affair? No. Is he sharing intimacy with anyone else? No. Does he occasionally look at pornography? Yes. Does his pornography viewing impact his work? No. His school? No. His ability to relate to or care for our kids? No. His ability to love and share intimacy with me? No. Addiction is real, when it overtakes ones life. I made it out as a far bigger issue than it was. Our new motto is this: It doesn't matter where you get hungry, as long as you eat at home. I find human bodies beautiful and can appreciate the amazing creations that they are. I often denied that I found people other than my husband attractive, because of guilt and shame.  My husband and I are committed to our marriage as a partnership. We have children that we love, that we conceived in love and intend to co parent them into adulthood. We enjoy each others company, conversation and sex. Shame free, guilt free, fun, amazing, heart pounding sex. We are teaching our children that masturbation is a normal function of sexuality and should be done in private and not interfere with regular life responsibilities. We never want our children to feel shameful for enjoying normal, natural experiences.  We teach our children that sex is beautiful, wonderful, love affirming, powerful, and emotionally fulfilling and encourage them to partake in after marriage.  If they do choose to participate before marriage, we encourage them to be safe, smart, respectful of boundaries, ALWAYS get consent, and never use sex as a weapon.  Pornography does not kill love, shame kills love.

My husband continues to be a faithful, active, participating, believing member of "the church". His testimony is stronger than ever, and he is joyful. I am joyful. WE are joyful together.
 
My story is begging to be told, the words that have been trapped inside for so long are begging to be set free.  I am no longer anguished, I am joyful!

Letting go

I am always wondering. Wondering where my dear, sweet, husband's thoughts are. Are they thinking of me, of our children, of our life together? When we make love, is he a full participant, or is his mind plagued by visions and thoughts of the imaginary? Sex is a gift. It is such an amazing experience, it really is. It is good for the brain, good for the body, good for a marriage, it is sweet and tender or passionate and energizing. I am grateful to have that closeness that comes from righteous love. I am *trying* to let this addiction go, it is not mine, I don't own it, and I don't have to. I love my husband and am blessed to have him in my life. He is not his addiction. He is so much more. I have asked and pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me see Leo as he does. I want to heal and be happy and feel joy in my life.

Many months ago, I was in the Temple and had a very distinct answer to my prayers. It was just one word, "spring". At the time, I thought that it meant one thing, but as it turns out, it was NOT what I thought it meant. Then, I thought it meant something else, but it has since become apparent that it was also NOT that. Not a place, nor a time. What else can it mean? Could it be a verb? I am letting go, letting go of my perceived answers and letting God. This is my prayer, that I can spring forth and do/be what God wants me to be. Salvation is an individual thing, as much as I want to "save" Leo, only he can do that. To my readers/followers, other wives struggling with the addiction of a loved one, I hope that we can all find peace in the Lord.

23 months

I KNEW it was coming. I knew it. Once again I am alone in silence. Who can I talk to that won't feel sorry for me? How do I open my heart to trust anyone? So, here I am, alone with my thoughts and my once again broken heart. This is not the life that I wanted, or pictured, or deserve. I can not fix Leo, I can only fix me, but it is unfortunate that pornography has to effect my family and the health of our relationships so deeply. I am trying to get out of the circle. I am tired of going round and round and round. I need a way out. Jesus Christ can heal me, if I will only let him. Please, please pray for me and my family.

Broken

I am broken. Unfix able, beyond repair, might as well donate me to charity for use able parts, broken. If it isn't one thing, it is another. That's what life is all about right? Pushing on through the mud and the muck and the crap that surrounds us. Our financial outlook is bleak and I am discouraged, broken down and beaten. We are $350K in debt. This includes our home, student loans, credit card (just one), car loans (2) (both were paid off at one time, but were used as collateral for personal loans), family loans, and credit reserve. We have borrowed against our retirement and our options are few. How exactly did we get into this mess you may ask? One dollar at a time. How are we going to fix it? I have no idea. One dollar at a time I suppose. Leo is employed full time in a job that he loves and is good at, he makes a decent wage $62K. I work very part time at a job that I love and am good at. I earn about $12K. If I worked full time, I could bring in about $50K at my current pay. However, having four children and paying for child care would take over half of my paycheck, not to mention gas/car maintenance increases, all other costs related to two full time employed people in the home, we have figured that all in all, I would end up bring in just over $16K/year. NOT worth it when one considers having someone else raise my kids. I have gained 20 pounds in the last 6 months, I can't sleep, I don't remember the last time I smiled spontaneously. I have sacrificed every extra. No more sports for the kids, no more piano lessons, no cable (that one was easy to give up), no eating out, no new clothing ( I am lucky to have several good consignment stores nearby), Mikey has floods because I just can't seem to keep up with all of his growing! We have cut out every possible thing that we can think of, and we are still in the red every. single. month. We are not poor! We make a decent living! How is it that we can't make ends meet?

Leo and I were talking the other day about people in our situation. Many people get divorced, commit suicide, kill their spouses, file for bankruptcy, and give up. We have done none of those things. (yet) so I guess we are in a better situation as far as our relationship goes. If we can make it through porn addiction, I guess we can make it through this?

I have many things to be grateful for. My life, my children, Leo, my health, a roof over my head (for now), clothes on my back (even if they are outdated and worn), food on my table (even if it is ramen), a vehicle that runs (most of the time), a good education, a job that I love, supportive family, a few good friends.

I still feel broken. You hear the old adage, get out and serve, forget yourself, stop wallowing in self pity, do something good for someone else...... I had a chance to serve a family in my neighborhood this evening. The mother is having some major health problems and has been struggling for several months, but as I had the chance to speak with the dad, he was very optimistic and is grateful for this challenge in their lives. He said "well if this is as bad as it gets, then we are pretty blessed" . How I wish I could have that optimism. I can't see how I can get any worse, but I am still exceedingly blessed. I need to remember the good things that I do have and remain grateful and humble in all areas of my life. I am seeking the Lord to make me whole, I am placing my life in his hands and hoping and praying for some much needed relief, begging for it to come quick because I just can't do this anymore.

New Resources

Here are a couple of new resources that I have recently heard of. They have powerful messages and I hope that anyone that is struggling with this can find peace. I am continually working towards a happier life and a more optimistic outlook.

http://combatingpornography.org
http://outinthelight.com

Optimistic

It has been 19 months of sobriety. NINETEEN months. Such a drop in the bucket, but it still seems like a long time. Leo tells me that the desire has just gone away, he feels like he no longer feels the "need" to find physical gratification through pornography. Can this really be the end? We have had a lot of stress in our lives lately regarding money and trying to make ends meet, so I wonder if this challenge has just swept the pornography addiction under the rug for the moment. Will it rear its ugly head again? Should I let my guard down? I want to believe that Leo has had a change of heart, and that this is going to be a trial of the past, but I just don't know if I can let that wall down yet. Can I begin to heal, and let my wall down. The stones are being removed one at a time, but the Great Wall of China will take a long time to tear down. I asked Leo about attending the Temple again, (he hasn't had a recommend for over 10 years) and he said that he is afraid. Afraid that if he answers the question that he feels personally worthy to attend, that he will mess up again. He is so afraid of failure and his confidence is weak. This overlaps into his daily life. He is do consumed by fear of failure that he has a hard tome moving forward and progressing. Weather it is in his personal life, his spiritual life, or his professional life, he is paralyzed by fear. I pray daily that he can overcome his fears and strive to progress, not only regarding his addiction, but all areas of life as well. I know that he can do it. I am cautiously optimistic but pressing forward.

Fear

It has been said that Faith can not live where fear resides. I am surrounded by fear on every side. Leo has been "clean" for an extended period of time, 9 months to be exact. That seems to be a long time for him. Because it has been a long time, the fear inside of me is building, waiting, anticipating and EXPECTING a fall! Where is my faith? Where is my peace? I should feel relief, success, joy that it has been so long. However, I also see that Leo is not playing the defense. Is he using that resources and tools that are so valuable? Not that I can see. I know that this is such an internal battle, but I have become an outsider, a spectator. I feel like I am not part of his recovery anymore. We no longer talk, we rarely touch and my heart continues to break. I know that I am doing this to myself. I am not turning to the Lord to take this hurt away, I am not playing defense either. I am just waiting, waiting for crash again. I know that I need to work on my own healing, but I seem to be paralyzed by fear. I can not move forward, I am stuck, and I continue to wallow in my self pity. Leo is a GOOD man, he is a wonderful father and a hard worker. Why can't I look and see that? Why must I concentrate on the bad, on the weaknesses? There is a mote in my eye, that I can't seem to remove. I am going to work on me. I can only fix me, and I need to do better at that. The time is now to fix me! The Lord can strengthen me and help me to look beyond the addiction and my co-dependency to become a better person. To be the person that Heavenly Father wants me to be. Please keep me in your prayers, the whole 2 of you that read. I want to be better, I want to be good, I want to be worthwhile.