Taking responsibility

Ok, so here I am sitting on the computer, STILL. Neglecting my children. They are glued to the tube, except little Donna who is somewhat content just to be in my arms. Leo has gone to his support group twice, is feeling like he is being successful. Give me a break, two times? It is gonna take way more than two times to "prove" to me that he is serious. I seem to be getting deeper and deeper into a depressing funk that I can't seem to get out of. I did shower today, one success. I planned to meet with the church ladies this morning for our weekly get together, but found a reason not to go and didn't answer the phone when they called to see if I was coming...... I am not being the mom that I should be right now, but I can't seem to "log off" and give them my much needed attention. I hate who I have become. I know that I CAN be a good mommy, and that I NEED to be a good mommy, so I guess I need to take responsibility and "just do it" turn the computer off, and attempt to be present for my kids. Fake it till you make It right??

Pissed off

Well, the support group was a bust. Leo got a babysitter, she came over, I gave all the instructions etc. Headed out to the meeting place. Starts at 7:30, at 7:25 I am lost as lost can be, which is very unlike me, so I call Leo "uh, do you know where we are suppose to go? I am kinda lost, where are you?" I am just passing such and such FOUR TY FIVE MINUTES AWAY......... WTF???? Are you f..ing kidding me?? I say "I am going home" and hang up the phone. Meanwhile I actually FIND the place I am looking for and continue driving past. 2 minutes later, Leo calls back ....."well, since we have a babysitter and all, I figured we could still go, we don't meet together anyway, it's OK if we are late, why don't you just go....." Screaming ranting in the phone "F&@*, why can't you be on time for one d*#@ thing in your entire life!!!" click. I have to pull over and beat the steering wheel and cry because I am OUT OF MY MIND with anger. OK, now what do I do? I am done, stick a fork in me, I'm done. I am tired of this crap, same old song and dance for 13 years, so done. I go to the Library and pick a random book from the shelf, sit down and try to compose myself. Why me?!? Did I honestly choose this? What kind of life am I giving my children by being so bitter an angry? I am not the Mom that they need me to because I am so wrapped up in myself and my hurt, I have nothing to give to them. Library closes at 9, meeting is suppose to end at 9, I get in the car and wait for the call. I have all 3 car seats, Leo is unable to take the baby sitter home, she has to call her mom to come pick her up, I have the money (my birthday money) so he doesn't pay her. Calls me to find out where I am, when he should expect me home, is worried that I have done something drastic, driven off a cliff, gone to a bar, wrecked the car. I don't answer, listen to the voicemail and go to the 24 hour Wally World. I get a cart and walk every. single. isle of the store. It passed some time, and calmed me a little bit. I arrive home sometime after midnight, all three kids in my bed fast asleep. Leo doesn't understand why I couldn't just go myself, but a small apology was offered. I HATE new social situations, especially in a situation like this. I am embarrassed and humiliated that I have a husband that is addicted to porn. I feel like a failure as a wife, there must be something wrong with me, I feel like a fool, like a woman that stays with a man that beats her with a whip, that is what I feel like, a trampled looser of a fool. Why would I want to admit that to strangers? Even though it is a support group, and we are all in the same boat, I am still embarrassed. I need Leo to be there with me, I need to walk in together, I NEED his hand to hold. I can't do it by myself. He doesn't understand that I am broken, and I need HIM to mend me. He did this to me, he needs to fix me. I want him to try to walk in my shoes, even for a moment. I am a stranger, we have been married for 13 years, and I am a stranger, he doesn't know me at all, he has no concept of what I need, or want from him. Consideration, respect, for thought. Even though it isn't important to him to go together, it is important to me, and what is important to me, should be important to him, or at least considered. I am nothing to him, someone to take care of his kids during the day, and I am not being very success full at that as of late. I can only do this for so long, when is my breaking point?? I don't think I could be anymore shattered and broken. Six months, that is all I have. August 1st. Leo has an entire "garage of tools" that is sitting there, waiting to be used, and he is choosing to use a "butter knife" Use the right tools for the job and thing generally work out a little easier. What is the purpose of this trial? What am I to learn? Tell me God, what do you want me to learn? Please take this from me. I want to be happy, I want my children to be happy, I want a worthy Priesthood bearer in my home, I NEED that, I want to be exalted with my family, ALL of us together. Please take this from me, I can't do it anymore, I am an empty shell of anger and bitterness. Life is not worth living like this. Incidentally, the book that I picked up was about a boy and his father traveling alone together hoping for something better in the future. All that they had was hope and each other. I have neither.

Here we go again

Will it ever end? Will I ever be able to be a kind nice trusting wife? Can I be a good mom? Can I be a decent daughter/sister/friend if I am always being so angry? I have been pretty depressed as of late, like 5 or six months. I have gained about 20 pounds, and that certainly isn't pretty on my already heavy body. I sit at this computer all day, trying to find some kind of peace, some kind of happiness. I have found my own little addiction! The computer, face book, BLOGS. I am obsessed with blogs, all kinds, but mostly about people with hardships, sick babies and such. I guess I am grateful for the trials that I have, but damn, I hate it. Is my husband sincere? Leo is still plugging along, not using the tools that have been suggested for him. Recently we decided that it would be a good idea to do the 12 step addiction recovery program that is offered by our church www.mormon.org , www.provientliving.org It is a free program that is offered every day except Sunday and Monday. The program provides support for the addict as well as the spouse. Well, Leo went to a meeting a couple weeks ago, and said that it was "good" thought that I should come with him sometime, I say absolutely! I would love to come. Leo, what are we going to do with the kids? Well, since this is his deal, it is totally up to him to find a babysitter etc. Well, tonight, we talk, and he is like, I thought I would go to the support group tomorrow, is that OK with you? um, yeah, were you going to invite me? We don't have any money, so I though I would just go tomorrow night. Hmmm OK. I read a blog that had a post about porn addicts and should we stay married blah blah blah, and Leo was like, I am glad that you have some sort of outlet...... OUTLET? I thought that you were going to take me with you to your support group, but I guess not. Sincere? we shall see.

Tired

I'm tired, and frustrated, and generally pissed off!! I am finding that my main emotion is just plain pissyness. I am tired of being a hand holder. Leo claims that he just can't remember the things that he has said that he will do. I think that it is just plain old freaking laziness and irresponsibility. He can't seem to take responsibility of anything! How can I be more supportive and helpful if it just the same old song and dance? Is he sincere? Probably not. Am I just lacking faith? Do I need to what, give myself up? I think I already have, years ago. Leo and I were talking the other day about our families, how we grew up, so differently. I have serious trust issues. My father is generally a grump, has been for my entire life, and probably his too. I can't trust him to speak kindly to me, my children, Leo, my mom..... anyone. It is like walking on egg shells to be around him. I can't trust Leo, he has lied to me countless times... so, if I can't trust my father, or my husband, my family essentially, who can I trust? My heart has been trampled too many times. Where can I turn for the peace that I am seeking? How can I be so NOT pissed off all the time? It is affecting my children, and that is that last thing that I want, for my children to have the same kind of memories of a pissy parent that I have. I need to be a better person, a better mom, a better wife.

We have a problem with planning in our house. Leo tends to just NOT think about things. Classic example: Saturday evening, kids are hungry, I am taking a nap with Donna, I worked the previous night, so I am tired. I fell asleep with Donna on accident, I wake up to the crying screaming voices of Mikey and Raph. They are HUNGRY. When they are hungry, they are pissed off. I come downstairs to see what the issue is, and Leo is offering them a snack. A snack. It is 7:30 PM and he is giving them a snack. I stated that it was probably a good idea to give them actual dinner since it was an hour after dinner time. Leo says "Well, I didn't know what you wanted to do because you were sleeping, and I thought that they were hungry, so I wanted to give them a snack." me: "Maybe dinner is more appropriate?" Leo: I didn't notice what time it was.... Did you have something planned? " me: "maybe you could have woken me up?" Leo: " I didn't want to wake you up because you need the sleep" (that WAS nice of him) me: You know that we eat dinner EVERY night at 6 or 6:30. Why is tonight any different.? L: "well I didn't know what you had planned, so I thought I would give them a snack to tide them over until dinner." Me: "It is after dinner, take the initiative and DO something that you know needs to be done, don't just ignore it!" So there the conversation goes... well I just didn't think of it excuse. Why why why can't he just THINK? Am I being too hard on the guy? Do what need to be done, suck it up and just do it. Don't depend on me to do it all the time. Leo claims that he just doesn't think like me, I feel like he just doesn't think at all. The other day, the spigot for the outside faucet broke. Mikey and Raph LOVE to play in the water. Leo was planning to fix it. Once again it is late evening 7:30 ish, I am finishing up feeding Donna the favorite mashed green beans. Leo turns off the main water and starts to dismantle the spigot (without my knowing that he was going to start). Great, I appreciate the initiative. Once I finish feeding Donna the green beans that are decorating her face, it is bath time for the kids (generally the same time every night). I go to wash Donna's face, no water... find out that the spigot has been removed (and it is not a typical spigot, we need some sort of specialty tool) OK no problem, handy baby wipes will do the job. 8:15 PM (mind you bedtime is 9:00) Mikey and Raph covered in sand and dirt, they need a bath before bed. Go to turn the bath on... oh yeah no water.... Leo comes in "hey I'm going to go to HD for this part. I will be back in about an hour". Now here is where it gets interesting, he KNOWS that I was feeding Donna, and she is NOT a clean eater being only 6 months old, he KNOWS that it is bath time, bed time, and now we have no water!?! I felt like there was no thinking going on. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the fact that he actually took the initiative to start fixing the spigot, but the timing? ALL Wrong. What was he thinking?? I felt like he wasn't. I felt like he didn't take into consideration anyone else in the family before turning off the water without telling anyone!! Am I wrong to feel mad about that? My PLAN was messed up?? I am going over board with the plan? Can I not be flexible?? Is it fair to ask for a little advanced notice of something like that taking place? Bed time is sacred at our house, and I count on the same routine for bed time. I think he truly WAS trying to be helpful, but it messed up the WHOLE evening!! I feel like he was being extremely selfish and inconsiderate. I was probably too hard on him, but come on, our routine is the same every freaking DAY.

Mikey is afraid.

Mikey is afraid. Afraid of EVERYTHING!! Being along in his room, being downstairs without me or Leo, being outside in our nice fenced backyard, going to sleep alone, sirens, odd smells, alarms, most anything. This fearful behavior has me very worried. This is not a normal thing. Why is he worried? Has something happened to him to cause this distress? Mikey is a very bright boy, he understands and comprehends things that a 6 year old isn't ready to process emotionally. We have made an effort to have the TV off most of the time. This means we don't watch the news, scary shows, our screen time is very limited. We don't take the newspaper, we don't look at news websites while he is around, and lately, we don't even listen to the radio, just the i-pod. Mikey has an extraordinary vocabulary and can read virtually anything. When we are driving in the car, he reads billboards, the most concerning to him are the ones with the lost children. He sees the "have you seen me" notices on the wall by the carts at Wally World. Mikey is terrified of kidnappers and robbers. We have an alarm system installed in our home, it has to be one ALWAYS. Mikey is the keeper of the alarm system. How can I help my overly anxious boy to calm down? I am reading a book about anxiety in children to get some ideas on how to help him, but I seem to be at a loss. Reassurance doesn't work, extra attention and safety measures don't seem to work, so I am taking him to a psychologist on Friday. Will this work? I hope that it will at least help him open up and understand the world around him, help him know that yes, there are dangers around every corner, but that things will be OK. I love him and want him to be a successful man and I want to give him every opportunity to be successful.

Emotions

So many emotions, I don't even know where to start. Mostly I feel anger. Angry that I have to deal with this, that this is my "lot in life" I suppose. Angry that he can't freaking get over it and move on. Angry that our family is suffering because of this crap. Sad. Sad that Leo has to deal with this over and over, to feel that things are hopeless, to see that there is no light in his eyes. Fearful. fearful that this will just go on forever, that I may loose the love of my life to addiction. I visited with the Bishop not long ago, and he asked me if I thought Leo was sincere in his efforts of repentance. How am I to know? Leo is great at the confessing part, he has no problem doing that, it is the forsaking where the problem lies and only time will tell if "this time" is different. Bishop has given Leo a specific assignment to do on a daily basis, an "easy" assignment. Study the scriptures 15 minutes every day on a certain subject. The Atonement was one assignment, and the next was Virtue. Has Leo done his assignments? On his own, no. But with reminding he does it. WHY WHY WHY do I have to be a hand holder? Leo feels no sense of responsibility for this. Why can't he just do it? He claims that he "forgets" that he is just too busy to remember that he has things to do, that he committed to do something. Yes, I know he feels overwhelmed, that he feels like he can't do one more thing without breaking, but crap, "forgetting"? Whatever. Does one forget that they have to brush their teeth before going to bed? Or that they should use the restroom when they get out of bed in the morning? It's a load of crap and I don't buy it. I feel like he is being lazy and irresponsible.

Where to start?

So, I read a blog recently that recommended that you blog about what you are passionate about. What am I passionate about? My kids? Work? Housework? The Gospel? My husband? hmmmmm, that IS the question. I have really never been great at journaling, or talking to people, or letting down my freaking huge walls that I have built around me, so I am hoping that this blogging thing will help me get it out, let these pent up feelings that are roaring to be released, OUT. I have always had the fear of writing things down.... what if somebody reads it? What if they judge me? What if I get hurt, yet again, by just letting it all out. Maybe someone will find this blog, maybe no one will, but I HAVE to get it out. So, in answer to the question, where to start? I guess I shall start at the beginning.....

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, ( and as soon as I can figure out how to get things linked up, I will get a link to the official church website. If you would like to know more, go to www.mormon.org or www.lds.org ) being a member of "the Church" we are held to higher standards than that of the world. Articles of Faith 13: "We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things." Pornography is wrong. It is a vise that in my opinion is worse than drugs. My husband of over a decade is addicted to pornography. He was first exposed to the filth when he was a young boy, around 6 years old. The father of a neighborhood friend had magazines around the house. Curiosity lead to many things in my husbands young life, many of which I didn't know of until the recent past. He experimented with gay sex ( when he was about 7 or 8) the boys saw it in the pictures and decided to try it. He played "hot dog and bun" with the neighbor girl. I am not sure if he just didn't know that that kind of behavior was wrong (he claims ignorance) or if he did know that something wasn't quite right, he just chose to ignore those promptings and chalk it up to "childhood curiosity". He tells me that his parents only ever told him that it was OK to be curious, but I don't think that to this day, they have any idea of what was going on in the young mind of their son. My husband was unable to build relationships with members of the opposite sex while a teenager, he use porn as an escape, idealizing women.... He used the excuses " oh when I am 12 and get the Priesthood, this will go away, when I get my Patriarchal Blessing, I will be able to get over it, when I go on my mission it won't be a problem, when I get married, and I can have sex, it will go away... when I have kids......." blah blah blah. He was almost sent home from his mission due to pornography, I think that he should have been sent home. when he came home he was not worthy to hold a Temple recommend.

When we were dating, and contemplating marriage, I found out his "dirty little secret" and really struggled with it. I prayerfully took it to the Lord and expressed my concern about starting a life with a man with such an ugly addiction. I felt in my heart and mind that I was suppose to marry him, and that we could be strong together, and that everything would be OK. Little did I know at the time how horribly wrong I would be. Maybe things WILL be OK in the next life, as this life IS the test.

Throughout or life together, I have felt terribly ugly, worthless, meaningless, useless. I have felt like a trampled rug. How many times can I go through the hurt that this continually causes me and our family? I knowingly married my husband, willingly married him in hopes of "fixing" him. (I have since learned that I can only fix myself, which I have been unable to do, as I am so preoccupied with how DH is doing.....) Oh sure, there have been good times, happy times, times when I think things are OK. It is all just a farce. We have seen Bishop after Bishop, counselor after counselor, both individually and together, with what success? NONE. What is it that I expect? Do I expect change? Sincerity? Respect? On more than one occasion, I have sought the advise of an attorney, but each time I remember that I knelt at the alter in the Temple of the Lord, and made covenants and promises that I don't take lightly. But, with that said, am I really keeping my covenants by being so overbearing towards my him? Am I really using the atonement for my own salvation? Am I really forgiving? Or am I just going through the motions, because that is what I am suppose to do, what I am expected to do. I am tired of being a hand holder. I love my husband, but am I in love with him anymore? I don't know.