Service and 12 step #1

Last week was step 12, service. Serving others will help one loose themselves. I am not ready for this step. I am not ready to serve my husband, give him service without wanting anything in return, without an expected outcome. I work in the health care industry, and I am able to give my patients care, empathy, service, help through changing life circumstances, etc. Why can't I give that at home? To those that it matters the most? Leo and I were discussing that conundrum on the way home from support group. I think that I am able to do that because there are no "stings attached" with my patients. I can help them with the things that they need, and that is it, I don't see them again, my relationship with them is over. I know that they won't hurt me, or take undue advantage of me, I know that our relationship is temporary, and I can give freely of myself without the fear of being hurt. I can't do that at home, with Leo at least. I live in constant fear that he will hurt me, yet again, so I don't give freely of myself. I WANT to be able to serve him, I WANT to be able to give him the care and love that I am able to give my patients. I am not ready, so I am grateful to start at the beginning of the steps. I hope that I can find healing and be able to move forward with my life through this amazing 12 step program. I admitting that I have a problem, and that my life has become unmanageable, and I can't do this myself. Here goes nuthin :)

Crutch

I am feeling a little discombobulated lately. I so want Leo to "get better" to be free of this pornography addiction, and as I have been going to my addiction recovery support group, I have come to the realization that I am seriously co-dependent. I am addicted to co dependency. I use Leo's addiction to feed my emotions. I have used it as an excuse for my depression and sadness for so long, that now, as we are going through this recovery together, I have no one to blame but myself. I am having a really hard time grasping that. I have placed all my blame for my shortcomings onto my husband completely unfairly. His problem is not the problem with me, I am my own problem, and I have used this for so long, that I don't know how to fix myself. I feel the walls getting higher, I am starting to live in fear now. Things with Leo are going "well" at the moment, and that make me feel like something has to go wrong now. It is like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am waiting for the next screw up, so I can blame all my problems on Him. Man, how messed up is that??? I am feeling my anxiety level go up, because it has been 2 months since the last time, and they cycle always repeats.... I find myself "acting out" in my own ways lately. I have a problem with spending money, I have found that in the past, shopping gave me that "high" . I no longer feel that way about the high, but I do it to get revenge on my husband, because that is where it hurts him the most, trying to be the provider for the family. He messes up, so I go out and spend all of the money as a "payback". That doesn't work! I am hurting my family as well, not just him. It totally affects everyone in our family. He tells me, " you can't do that, you can't go out and spend the money just because it is in the account, we have bills that go through on specific days, and when it is time for those things to come out, there is nothing left" I know these things, I really do! So why do I keep doing it? It doesn't even feel good anymore, it just makes me more sad. As I work through the 12 steps, I will be doing it for myself, for spending addiction. I think that recently, as I have spent the $$$, it is to maybe subconsciously sabotage him into falling? I am a horrid wife! Make him depressed about the finances, in turn he gets more stressed, and what does he do in times of stress? Turns to his addiction..... I am sabotaging him! How terrible is that?? I need to get a grip on my own issues!! I need to stop making excuses, stop blaming Leo for all my problems, and get to the business of fixing myself. This week, the steps start over, step 1, admit that I have a problem. So, here I am. I am addicted to co-dependency and spending money. I will no longer use Leo's addiction as my crutch. I will sincerely do my best to fix me, and in the process, hopefully our lives will come back together. My kids don't need two addicted parents!