Not the only one

The last few weeks have been both good and bad. I will start with the good! I got to go to BYU Women's Conference this year and it was so nice to be able to have a couple days of spiritual motivation, as well as the good company of the wonderful ladies that I go to go with. Prior to Women's conference, I was feeling rather grumpy. I was blaming Leo for all my problems. I was trying to justify my attitude of meanness on him... it was because of him that I was not happy, that I was a grumpy wife, that I had no motivation, that I had low self esteem, etc. I even told him that I was feeling that way, that I was using HIS problems as my excuse. At WC, Sister Julie B Beck the Relief Society General President spoke about the roll that we have as women, to make the world a better place. She touched on pornography, for just a moment and said that we as Latter Day Saint sisters need to FIGHT, FIGHT against this wickedness! Fight for our husbands and families, FIGHT for eternal life and exaltation. Husbands deserve our love, just as our children do. I think my favorite part of WC is the time that I get to spend with some amazing ladies. On the way home, we spoke of our lives, and the things that we would change as mothers and wives, and one Sister said that she would not change the important things: her Husband and her kids. At that point I broke down and told her the things that I had been dealing with, with Leo. She told me that Leo is a good man, that he is a strong, wonderful human being, and many other good things. She recognizes all the good in him, all the things that I have been missing, or rather overlooking, choosing NOT to see them. It was a real wake up call for me. Leo IS a good man! He is a good father, he loves our kids and is an exceptional dad. The good far outweighs the bad, and I love him. I love him. I know that he IS trying, just not as hard as I want him to be trying..... He IS starting to see hope. Since I have been home from WC, I have made more of an effort to be a better, more supportive wife. I am trying to be the "playful" wife that I "use to be". I am trying to pay attention to Leo, do the little things for him that I know he appreciates, and I really have noticed a difference, both in my attitude and his. I am trying to let the fear go. Instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the next mess up, etc. I am looking forward with hope, but am still struggling with those old feelings of inadequacy, but with the help of the Lord, I am trying to be more faithful, that even if things go wrong again, if Leo indulges in his addictive behaviors, I will try to look at it as a learning experience, rather than the end of the world. None of us are perfect, and heaven knows that I mess up every day, mostly yelling at my kids..... Every day is an opportunity to do better, to move forward, to try harder to be what God wants us to be. I know that Leo can do this, I pray for him that he can overcome this vice and learn whatever he needs to from this, so we can move forward, and learn something else!

Within the last month, we found out that Leo's best friend Fred is struggling with porn addiction. His wife Wilma found out a few months ago, for the first time in 10 years of marriage that Fred has a problem, and they are really having a hard time. They are in some financial trouble and that just adds to the stress. I have known for a long time that Fred had a problem, his father actually contributed to Leo's addiction, so I know that Fred was exposed to it in his own home growing up. When Wilma found out, she wanted a divorce, who can blame her? Things are still very touch and go, and I know that they are really struggling in their marriage. I know the hurt and anguish that she is feeling, and my heart breaks for her and her family. I want to take her in my arms and cry with her, and let her know that the Lord is there for her, and that he loves her so much. They are at the very beginning of recovery, and don't really want anyone to know, so they haven't told really anyone, except us, because Leo flat out asked Fred what was going on. I am grateful for a loving supportive family that are rooting for us, and I hope that Fred and Wilma can have that too eventually. Also just recently I have learned of 3 couples in my ward that are dealing with pornography addiction. THREE! And I am sure that there are many more that I don't know about. I guess that I am grateful that Leo has never acted out with another person, he has never visited a prostitute, or had an affair, or touched a woman, or gone to strip clubs, been in jail because of his actions..... all things that these other couples are dealing with. It sickens me that this is such an epidemic!! Satan knows right where to burn us! What a clever sick spirit. As I watch my young sons grow, I have a fear of what the future holds for them. We regularly discuss the trickery's of Satan at the dinner table, we talk of drugs, drinking, pornography, sex and how great it is in a married relationship, our kids know all the proper names of all the body parts, what they are for, how they are properly used, they know where babies come from (besides from heaven;) ) I work in health care, and so I have many nursing textbooks as well as lots of body books for kids. I am hoping that we can educate our kids about the evils of the world, so that they can make good decisions in the future. Leo was first exposed to pornography when he was 6 years old. Mikey is 6!!! We love him so much and can't imagine him loosing his innocents right now.

Anyway, the good and bad. My attitude toward Leo has changed, and I can feel a difference in our home. My heart is breaking for my friends and neighbors and I hope that they can use the power of the atonement for healing in their own lives. I know and feel their pain, my prayers are with them.