Fear

It has been said that Faith can not live where fear resides. I am surrounded by fear on every side. Leo has been "clean" for an extended period of time, 9 months to be exact. That seems to be a long time for him. Because it has been a long time, the fear inside of me is building, waiting, anticipating and EXPECTING a fall! Where is my faith? Where is my peace? I should feel relief, success, joy that it has been so long. However, I also see that Leo is not playing the defense. Is he using that resources and tools that are so valuable? Not that I can see. I know that this is such an internal battle, but I have become an outsider, a spectator. I feel like I am not part of his recovery anymore. We no longer talk, we rarely touch and my heart continues to break. I know that I am doing this to myself. I am not turning to the Lord to take this hurt away, I am not playing defense either. I am just waiting, waiting for crash again. I know that I need to work on my own healing, but I seem to be paralyzed by fear. I can not move forward, I am stuck, and I continue to wallow in my self pity. Leo is a GOOD man, he is a wonderful father and a hard worker. Why can't I look and see that? Why must I concentrate on the bad, on the weaknesses? There is a mote in my eye, that I can't seem to remove. I am going to work on me. I can only fix me, and I need to do better at that. The time is now to fix me! The Lord can strengthen me and help me to look beyond the addiction and my co-dependency to become a better person. To be the person that Heavenly Father wants me to be. Please keep me in your prayers, the whole 2 of you that read. I want to be better, I want to be good, I want to be worthwhile.

Not the only one

The last few weeks have been both good and bad. I will start with the good! I got to go to BYU Women's Conference this year and it was so nice to be able to have a couple days of spiritual motivation, as well as the good company of the wonderful ladies that I go to go with. Prior to Women's conference, I was feeling rather grumpy. I was blaming Leo for all my problems. I was trying to justify my attitude of meanness on him... it was because of him that I was not happy, that I was a grumpy wife, that I had no motivation, that I had low self esteem, etc. I even told him that I was feeling that way, that I was using HIS problems as my excuse. At WC, Sister Julie B Beck the Relief Society General President spoke about the roll that we have as women, to make the world a better place. She touched on pornography, for just a moment and said that we as Latter Day Saint sisters need to FIGHT, FIGHT against this wickedness! Fight for our husbands and families, FIGHT for eternal life and exaltation. Husbands deserve our love, just as our children do. I think my favorite part of WC is the time that I get to spend with some amazing ladies. On the way home, we spoke of our lives, and the things that we would change as mothers and wives, and one Sister said that she would not change the important things: her Husband and her kids. At that point I broke down and told her the things that I had been dealing with, with Leo. She told me that Leo is a good man, that he is a strong, wonderful human being, and many other good things. She recognizes all the good in him, all the things that I have been missing, or rather overlooking, choosing NOT to see them. It was a real wake up call for me. Leo IS a good man! He is a good father, he loves our kids and is an exceptional dad. The good far outweighs the bad, and I love him. I love him. I know that he IS trying, just not as hard as I want him to be trying..... He IS starting to see hope. Since I have been home from WC, I have made more of an effort to be a better, more supportive wife. I am trying to be the "playful" wife that I "use to be". I am trying to pay attention to Leo, do the little things for him that I know he appreciates, and I really have noticed a difference, both in my attitude and his. I am trying to let the fear go. Instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the next mess up, etc. I am looking forward with hope, but am still struggling with those old feelings of inadequacy, but with the help of the Lord, I am trying to be more faithful, that even if things go wrong again, if Leo indulges in his addictive behaviors, I will try to look at it as a learning experience, rather than the end of the world. None of us are perfect, and heaven knows that I mess up every day, mostly yelling at my kids..... Every day is an opportunity to do better, to move forward, to try harder to be what God wants us to be. I know that Leo can do this, I pray for him that he can overcome this vice and learn whatever he needs to from this, so we can move forward, and learn something else!

Within the last month, we found out that Leo's best friend Fred is struggling with porn addiction. His wife Wilma found out a few months ago, for the first time in 10 years of marriage that Fred has a problem, and they are really having a hard time. They are in some financial trouble and that just adds to the stress. I have known for a long time that Fred had a problem, his father actually contributed to Leo's addiction, so I know that Fred was exposed to it in his own home growing up. When Wilma found out, she wanted a divorce, who can blame her? Things are still very touch and go, and I know that they are really struggling in their marriage. I know the hurt and anguish that she is feeling, and my heart breaks for her and her family. I want to take her in my arms and cry with her, and let her know that the Lord is there for her, and that he loves her so much. They are at the very beginning of recovery, and don't really want anyone to know, so they haven't told really anyone, except us, because Leo flat out asked Fred what was going on. I am grateful for a loving supportive family that are rooting for us, and I hope that Fred and Wilma can have that too eventually. Also just recently I have learned of 3 couples in my ward that are dealing with pornography addiction. THREE! And I am sure that there are many more that I don't know about. I guess that I am grateful that Leo has never acted out with another person, he has never visited a prostitute, or had an affair, or touched a woman, or gone to strip clubs, been in jail because of his actions..... all things that these other couples are dealing with. It sickens me that this is such an epidemic!! Satan knows right where to burn us! What a clever sick spirit. As I watch my young sons grow, I have a fear of what the future holds for them. We regularly discuss the trickery's of Satan at the dinner table, we talk of drugs, drinking, pornography, sex and how great it is in a married relationship, our kids know all the proper names of all the body parts, what they are for, how they are properly used, they know where babies come from (besides from heaven;) ) I work in health care, and so I have many nursing textbooks as well as lots of body books for kids. I am hoping that we can educate our kids about the evils of the world, so that they can make good decisions in the future. Leo was first exposed to pornography when he was 6 years old. Mikey is 6!!! We love him so much and can't imagine him loosing his innocents right now.

Anyway, the good and bad. My attitude toward Leo has changed, and I can feel a difference in our home. My heart is breaking for my friends and neighbors and I hope that they can use the power of the atonement for healing in their own lives. I know and feel their pain, my prayers are with them.

Service and 12 step #1

Last week was step 12, service. Serving others will help one loose themselves. I am not ready for this step. I am not ready to serve my husband, give him service without wanting anything in return, without an expected outcome. I work in the health care industry, and I am able to give my patients care, empathy, service, help through changing life circumstances, etc. Why can't I give that at home? To those that it matters the most? Leo and I were discussing that conundrum on the way home from support group. I think that I am able to do that because there are no "stings attached" with my patients. I can help them with the things that they need, and that is it, I don't see them again, my relationship with them is over. I know that they won't hurt me, or take undue advantage of me, I know that our relationship is temporary, and I can give freely of myself without the fear of being hurt. I can't do that at home, with Leo at least. I live in constant fear that he will hurt me, yet again, so I don't give freely of myself. I WANT to be able to serve him, I WANT to be able to give him the care and love that I am able to give my patients. I am not ready, so I am grateful to start at the beginning of the steps. I hope that I can find healing and be able to move forward with my life through this amazing 12 step program. I admitting that I have a problem, and that my life has become unmanageable, and I can't do this myself. Here goes nuthin :)

Crutch

I am feeling a little discombobulated lately. I so want Leo to "get better" to be free of this pornography addiction, and as I have been going to my addiction recovery support group, I have come to the realization that I am seriously co-dependent. I am addicted to co dependency. I use Leo's addiction to feed my emotions. I have used it as an excuse for my depression and sadness for so long, that now, as we are going through this recovery together, I have no one to blame but myself. I am having a really hard time grasping that. I have placed all my blame for my shortcomings onto my husband completely unfairly. His problem is not the problem with me, I am my own problem, and I have used this for so long, that I don't know how to fix myself. I feel the walls getting higher, I am starting to live in fear now. Things with Leo are going "well" at the moment, and that make me feel like something has to go wrong now. It is like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am waiting for the next screw up, so I can blame all my problems on Him. Man, how messed up is that??? I am feeling my anxiety level go up, because it has been 2 months since the last time, and they cycle always repeats.... I find myself "acting out" in my own ways lately. I have a problem with spending money, I have found that in the past, shopping gave me that "high" . I no longer feel that way about the high, but I do it to get revenge on my husband, because that is where it hurts him the most, trying to be the provider for the family. He messes up, so I go out and spend all of the money as a "payback". That doesn't work! I am hurting my family as well, not just him. It totally affects everyone in our family. He tells me, " you can't do that, you can't go out and spend the money just because it is in the account, we have bills that go through on specific days, and when it is time for those things to come out, there is nothing left" I know these things, I really do! So why do I keep doing it? It doesn't even feel good anymore, it just makes me more sad. As I work through the 12 steps, I will be doing it for myself, for spending addiction. I think that recently, as I have spent the $$$, it is to maybe subconsciously sabotage him into falling? I am a horrid wife! Make him depressed about the finances, in turn he gets more stressed, and what does he do in times of stress? Turns to his addiction..... I am sabotaging him! How terrible is that?? I need to get a grip on my own issues!! I need to stop making excuses, stop blaming Leo for all my problems, and get to the business of fixing myself. This week, the steps start over, step 1, admit that I have a problem. So, here I am. I am addicted to co-dependency and spending money. I will no longer use Leo's addiction as my crutch. I will sincerely do my best to fix me, and in the process, hopefully our lives will come back together. My kids don't need two addicted parents!

Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments

I love this address!

Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments
by Jeffrey R. HollandJeffrey R. Holland was president of Brigham Young University when this devotional address was delivered on 12 January 1988 in the Marriott Center.



"This responsibility to speak to you never gets any easier for me. I think it gets more difficult as the years go by. I grow a little older, the world and its litany of problems get a little more complex, and your hopes and dreams become evermore important to me the longer I am at BYU. Indeed, your growth and happiness and development in the life you are now living and in the life you will be living in the days and decades ahead are the central and most compelling motivation in my daily professional life. I care very much about you now and forever. Everything I know to do at BYU is being done with an eye toward who and what you are, and who and what you can become. The future of this world's history will be quite fully in your hands very soon--at least your portion of it will be--and an education at an institution sponsored and guided by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the greatest academic advantage I can imagine in preparation for such a serious and significant responsibility.But that future, at least any qualitative aspect of it, must be vigorously fought for. It won't "just happen" to your advantage. Someone said once that the future is waiting to be seized, and if we do not grasp it firmly, then other hands, more determined and bloody than our own, will wrench it from us and follow a different course.It is with an eye to that future--your future--and an awareness of this immense sense of responsibility I feel for you, that I approach this annual midyear devotional message. I always need the help and sustaining Spirit of the Lord to succeed at such times, but I especially feel the need for that spiritual help today.
Human Intimacy
My topic is that of human intimacy, a topic as sacred as any I know and more sacred than anything I have ever addressed from this podium. If I am not careful and you are not supportive, this subject can slide quickly from the sacred into the merely sensational, and I would be devastated if that happened. It would be better not to address the topic at all than to damage it with casualness or carelessness. Indeed, it is against such casualness and carelessness that I wish to speak. So I ask for your faith and your prayers and your respect.You may feel this is a topic you hear addressed too frequently at this time in your life, but given the world in which we live, you may not be hearing it enough. All of the prophets, past and present, have spoken on it, and President Benson himself addressed this very subject in his annual message to this student body last fall.I am thrilled that most of you are doing wonderfully well in the matter of personal purity. There isn't as worthy and faithful a group of university students anywhere else on the face of the earth. You are an inspiration to me. I acknowledge your devotion to the gospel and applaud it. Like Jacob of old, I would prefer for the sake of the innocent not to need to discuss such topics. But a few of you are not doing so well, and much of the world around us is not doing well at all.The national press recently noted,In America 3,000 adolescents become pregnant each day. A million a year. Four out of five are unmarried. More than half get abortions. "Babies having babies."[Babies] killing [babies]. ["What's Gone Wrong with Teen Sex," People,13 April 1987, p. 111]That same national poll indicated nearly 60 percent of high school students in "mainstream" America had lost their virginity, and 80 percent of college students had. The Wall Street Journal (hardly in a class with the National Enquirer) recently wrote,AIDS [appears to be reaching] plague[like] proportions. Even now it is claiming innocent victims: newborn babies and recipients of blood transfusions. It is only a matter of time before it becomes widespread among heterosexuals. . . .AIDS should remind us that ours is a hostile world. . . . The more we pass ourselves around, the larger the likelihood of our picking something up. . . .Whether on clinical or moral grounds, it seems clear that promiscuity has its price. [Wall Street Journal, 21 May 1987, p. 28]Of course, more widespread in our society than the indulgence of personal sexual activity are the printed and photographed descriptions of those who do. Of that lustful environment a contemporary observer says,We live in an age in which voyeurism is no longer the side line of the solitary deviate, but rather a national pastime, fully institutionalized and [circularized] in the mass media. [William F. May, quoted by Henry Fairlie, The Seven Deadly Sins Today (Notre Dame: University of Notre Dame Press, 1978), p. 178]In fact, the rise of civilization seems, ironically enough, to have made actual or fantasized promiscuity a greater, not a lesser, problem. Edward Gibbon, the distinguished British historian of the eighteenth century who wrote one of the most intimidating works of history in our language (The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire), said simply,Although the progress of civilisation has undoubtedly contributed to assuage the fiercer passions of human nature, it seems to have been less favourable to the virtue of chastity. . . . The refinements of life [seem to] corrupt, [even as] they polish the [relationship] of the sexes. [Edward Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, vol. 40 of Great Books of the Western World, 1952, p. 92]I do not wish us to spend this hour documenting social problems nor wringing our hands over the dangers that such outside influences may hold for us. As serious as such contemporary realities are, I wish to discuss this topic in quite a different way, discuss it specifically for Latter-day Saints--primarily young, unmarried Latter-day Saints, even those attending Brigham Young University. So I conspicuously set aside the horrors of AIDS and national statistics on illegitimate pregnancies and speak rather to a gospel-based view of personal purity.Indeed, I wish to do something even a bit more difficult than listing the do's and don'ts of personal purity. I wish to speak, to the best of my ability, on why we should be clean, on why moral discipline is such a significant matter in God's eyes. I know that may sound presumptuous, but a philosopher once said, tell me sufficiently why a thing should be done, and I will move heaven and earth to do it. Hoping you will feel the same way as he and fully recognizing my limitations, I wish to try to give at least a partial answer to "Why be morally clean?" I will need first to pose briefly what I see as the doctrinal seriousness of the matter before then offering just three reasons for such seriousness.
The Significance and Sanctity
May I begin with half of a nine-line poem by Robert Frost. (The other half is worth a sermon also, but it will have to wait for another day.) Here are the first four lines of Frost's "Fire and Ice."Some say the world will end in fire,Some say in ice.From what I've tasted of desireI hold with those who favor fire.A second, less poetic but more specific opinion is offered by the writer of Proverbs:Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? . . .But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul.A wound and dishonour shall he get; and his reproach shall not be wiped away. [Proverbs 6:27-33]In getting at the doctrinal seriousness, why is this matter of sexual relationships so severe that fire is almost always the metaphor, with passion pictured vividly in flames? What is there in the potentially hurtful heat of this that leaves one's soul--or perhaps the whole world, according to Frost--destroyed, if that flame is left unchecked and those passions unrestrained? What is there in all of this that prompts Alma to warn his son Corianton that sexual transgression is "an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost" (Alma 39:5; emphasis added)?Setting aside sins against the Holy Ghost for a moment as a special category unto themselves, it is LDS doctrine that sexual transgression is second only to murder in the Lord's list of life's most serious sins. By assigning such rank to a physical appetite so conspicuously evident in all of us, what is God trying to tell us about its place in his plan for all men and women in mortality? I submit to you he is doing precisely that--commenting about the very plan of life itself. Clearly God's greatest concerns regarding mortality are how one gets into this world and how one gets out of it. These two most important issues in our very personal and carefully supervised progress are the two issues that he as our Creator and Father and Guide wishes most to reserve to himself. These are the two matters that he has repeatedly told us he wants us never to take illegally, illicitly, unfaithfully, without sanction.As for the taking of life, we are generally quite responsible. Most people, it seems to me, readily sense the sanctity of life and as a rule do not run up to friends, put a loaded revolver to their heads, and cavalierly pull the trigger. Furthermore, when there is a click of the hammer rather than an explosion of lead, and a possible tragedy seems to have been averted, no one in such a circumstance would be so stupid as to sigh, "Oh, good. I didn't go all the way."No, "all the way" or not, the insanity of such action with fatal powder and steel is obvious on the face of it. Such a person running about this campus with an arsenal of loaded handguns or military weaponry aimed at fellow students would be apprehended, prosecuted, and institutionalized if in fact such a lunatic would not himself have been killed in all the pandemonium. After such a fictitious moment of horror on this campus (and you are too young to remember my college years when the sniper wasn't fictitious, killing twelve of his fellow students at the University of Texas), we would undoubtedly sit in our dorms or classrooms with terror on our minds for many months to come, wondering how such a thing could possibly happen--especially here at BYU.No, fortunately, in the case of how life is taken, I think we seem to be quite responsible. The seriousness of that does not often have to be spelled out, and not many sermons need to be devoted to it.But in the significance and sanctity of giving life, some of us are not so responsible, and in the larger world swirling around us we find near criminal irresponsibility. What would in the case of taking life bring absolute horror and demand grim justice, in the case of giving life brings dirty jokes and four-letter lyrics and crass carnality on the silver screen, home-owned or downtown.Is such moral turpitude so wrong? That question has always been asked, usually by the guilty. "Such is the way of an adulterous woman; she eateth, and wipeth her mouth, and saith, I have done no wickedness" (Proverbs 30:20). No murder here. Well, maybe not. But sexual transgression? "He that doeth it destroyeth his own soul." Sounds near fatal to me.So much for the doctrinal seriousness. Now, with a desire to prevent such painful moments, to avoid what Alma called the "inexpressible horror" of standing in the presence of God unworthily, and to permit the intimacy it is your right and privilege and delight to enjoy in marriage to be untainted by such crushing remorse and guilt--I wish to give those three reasons I mentioned earlier as to why I believe this is an issue of such magnitude and consequence.
The Doctrine of the Soul
First, we simply must understand the revealed, restored Latter-day Saint doctrine of the soul, and the high and inextricable part the body plays in that doctrine. One of the "plain and precious" truths restored to this dispensation is that "the spirit and the body are the soul of man" (D&C88:15; emphasis added) and that when the spirit and body are separated, men and women "cannot receive a fulness of joy" (D&C93:34). Certainly that suggests something of the reason why obtaining a body is so fundamentally important to the plan of salvation in the first place, why sin of any kind is such a serious matter (namely because its automatic consequence is death, the separation of the spirit from the body and the separation of the spirit and the body from God), and why the resurrection of the body is so central to the great abiding and eternal triumph of Christ's atonement. We do not have to be a herd of demonically possessed swine charging down the Gadarene slopes toward the sea to understand that a body is the great prize of mortal life, and that even a pig's will do for those frenzied spirits that rebelled, and to this day remain dispossessed, in their first, unembodied estate.May I quote a 1913 sermon by Elder James E. Talmage on this doctrinal point:We have been taught . . . to look upon these bodies of ours as gifts from God. We Latter-day Saints do not regard the body as something to be condemned, something to be abhorred. . . . We regard [the body] as the sign of our royal birthright. . . . We recognize . . . that those who kept not their first estate . . . were denied that inestimable blessing. . . . We believe that these bodies . . . may be made, in very truth, the temple of the Holy Ghost. . . .It is peculiar to the theology of the Latter-day Saints that we regard the body as an essential part of the soul. Read your dictionaries, the lexicons, and encyclopedias, and you will find that nowhere [in Christianity], outside of the Church of Jesus Christ, is the solemn and eternal truth taught that the soul of man is the body and the spirit combined. [CR, October 1913, p. 117]So partly in answer to why such seriousness, we answer that one toying with the God-given--and satanically coveted--body of another, toys with the very soul of that individual, toys with the central purpose and product of life, "the very key" to life, as Elder Boyd K. Packer once called it. In trivializing the soul of another (please include the word body there), we trivialize the Atonement that saved that soul and guaranteed its continued existence. And when one toys with the Son of Righteousness, the Day Star himself, one toys with white heat and a flame hotter and holier than the noonday sun. You cannot do so and not be burned. You cannot with impunity "crucify Christ afresh" (see Hebrews 6:6). Exploitation of the body (please include the word soul there) is, in the last analysis, an exploitation of him who is the Light and the Life of the world. Perhaps here Paul's warning to the Corinthians takes on newer, higher meaning:Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body. . . .Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid. . . .Flee fornication. . . . He that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. . . .. . . Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. [1 Corinthians 6:13-20; emphasis added]Our soul is what's at stake here--our spirit and our body. Paul understood that doctrine of the soul every bit as well as James E. Talmage did, because it is gospel truth. The purchase price for our fullness of joy--body and spirit eternally united--is the pure and innocent blood of the Savior of this world. We cannot then say in ignorance or defiance, "Well, it's my life," or worse yet, "It's my body." It is not. "Ye are not your own," Paul said. "Ye are bought with a price." So in answer to the question, "Why does God care so much about sexual transgression?" it is partly because of the precious gift offered by and through his Only Begotten Son to redeem the souls--bodies and spirits--we too often share and abuse in cheap and tawdry ways. Christ restored the very seeds of eternal lives (see D&C132:19, 24), and we desecrate them at our peril. The first key reason for personal purity? Our very souls are involved and at stake.
A Symbol of Total Union
Second, may I suggest that human intimacy, that sacred, physical union ordained of God for a married couple, deals with a symbol that demands special sanctity. Such an act of love between a man and a woman is--or certainly was ordained to be--a symbol of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything. It is a symbol that we try to suggest in the temple with a word like seal. The Prophet Joseph Smith once said we perhaps ought to render such a sacred bond as "welding"--that those united in matrimony and eternal families are "welded" together, inseparable if you will, to withstand the temptations of the adversary and the afflictions of mortality. (See D&C 128:18.)But such a total, virtually unbreakable union, such an unyielding commitment between a man and a woman, can only come with the proximity and permanence afforded in a marriage covenant, with the union of all that they possess--their very hearts and minds, all their days and all their dreams. They work together, they cry together, they enjoy Brahms and Beethoven and breakfast together, they sacrifice and save and live together for all the abundance that such a totally intimate life provides such a couple. And the external symbol of that union, the physical manifestation of what is a far deeper spiritual and metaphysical bonding, is the physical blending that is part of--indeed, a most beautiful and gratifying expression of--that larger, more complete union of eternal purpose and promise.As delicate as it is to mention in such a setting, I nevertheless trust your maturity to understand that physiologically we are created as men and women to fit together in such a union. In this ultimate physical expression of one man and one woman they are as nearly and as literally "one" as two separate physical bodies can ever be. It is in that act of ultimate physical intimacy we most nearly fulfill the commandment of the Lord given to Adam and Eve, living symbols for all married couples, when he invited them to cleave unto one another only, and thus become "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).Obviously, such a commandment to these two, the first husband and wife of the human family, has unlimited implications--social, cultural, and religious as well as physical--but that is exactly my point. As all couples come to that moment of bonding in mortality, it is to be just such a complete union. That commandment cannot be fulfilled, and that symbolism of "one flesh" cannot be preserved, if we hastily and guiltily and surreptitiously share intimacy in a darkened corner of a darkened hour, then just as hastily and guiltily and surreptitiously retreat to our separate worlds--not to eat or live or cry or laugh together, not to do the laundry and the dishes and the homework, not to manage a budget and pay the bills and tend the children and plan together for the future. No, we cannot do that until we are truly one--united, bound, linked, tied, welded, sealed, married.Can you see then the moral schizophrenia that comes from pretending we are one, sharing the physical symbols and physical intimacy of our union, but then fleeing, retreating, severing all such other aspects--and symbols--of what was meant to be a total obligation, only to unite again furtively some other night or, worse yet, furtively unite (and you can tell how cynically I use that word) with some other partner who is no more bound to us, no more one with us than the last was or than the one that will come next week or next month or next year or anytime before the binding commitments of marriage?You must wait--you must wait until you can give everything, and you cannot give everything until you are at least legally and, for Latter-day Saint purposes, eternally pronounced as one. To give illicitly that which is not yours to give (remember--"you are not your own") and to give only part of that which cannot be followed with the gift of your whole heart and your whole life and your whole self is its own form of emotional Russian roulette. If you persist in sharing part without the whole, in pursuing satisfaction devoid of symbolism, in giving parts and pieces and inflamed fragments only, you run the terrible risk of such spiritual, psychic damage that you may undermine both your physical intimacy and your wholehearted devotion to a truer, later love. You may come to that moment of real love, of total union, only to discover to your horror that what you should have saved has been spent, and--mark my words--only God's grace can recover that piecemeal dissipation of your virtue.A good Latter-day Saint friend, Dr. Victor L. Brown, Jr., has written of this issue:Fragmentation enables its users to counterfeit intimacy. . . .If we relate to each other in fragments, at best we miss full relationships. At worst, we manipulate and exploit others for our gratification. Sexual fragmentation can be particularly harmful because it gives powerful physiological rewards which, though illusory, can temporarily persuade us to overlook the serious deficits in the overall relationship. Two people may marry for physical gratification and then discover that the illusion of union collapses under the weight of intellectual, social, and spiritual incompatibilities. . . .Sexual fragmentation is particularly harmful because it is particularly deceptive. The intense human intimacy that should be enjoyed in and symbolized by sexual union is counterfeited by sensual episodes which suggest--but cannot deliver--acceptance, understanding, and love. Such encounters mistake the end for the means as lonely, desperate people seek a common denominator which will permit the easiest, quickest gratification. [Victor L. Brown, Jr., Human Intimacy: Illusion and Reality (Salt Lake City, Utah: Parliament Publishers, 1981), pp. 5-6]Listen to a far more biting observation by a non-Latter-day Saint regarding such acts devoid of both the soul and symbolism we have been discussing. He writes:Our sexuality has been animalized, stripped of the intricacy of feeling with which human beings have endowed it, leaving us to contemplate only the act, and to fear our impotence in it. It is this animalization from which the sexual manuals cannot escape, even when they try to do so, because they are reflections of it. They might [as well] be textbooks for veterinarians. [Fairlie, Seven Deadly Sins, p. 182]In this matter of counterfeit intimacy and deceptive gratification, I express particular caution to the men who hear this message. I have heard all my life that it is the young woman who has to assume the responsibility for controlling the limits of intimacy in courtship because a young man cannot. What an unacceptable response to such a serious issue! What kind of man is he, what priesthood or power or strength or self-control does this man have that lets him develop in society, grow to the age of mature accountability, perhaps even pursue a university education and prepare to affect the future of colleagues and kingdoms and the course of the world, but yet does not have the mental capacity or the moral will to say, "I will not do that thing"? No, this sorry drugstore psychology would have us say, "He just can't help himself. His glands have complete control over his life--his mind, his will, his entire future."To say that a young woman in such a relationship has to bear her responsibility and that of the young man's too is the least fair assertion I can imagine. In most instances if there is sexual transgression, I lay the burden squarely on the shoulders of the young man--for our purposes probably a priesthood bearer--and that's where I believe God intended responsibility to be. In saying that I do not excuse young women who exercise no restraint and have not the character or conviction to demand intimacy only in its rightful role. I have had enough experience in Church callings to know that women as well as men can be predatory. But I refuse to buy some young man's feigned innocence who wants to sin and call it psychology.Indeed, most tragically, it is the young woman who is most often the victim, it is the young woman who most often suffers the greater pain, it is the young woman who most often feels used and abused and terribly unclean. And for that imposed uncleanliness a man will pay, as surely as the sun sets and rivers run to the sea.Note the prophet Jacob's straightforward language on this account in the Book of Mormon. After a bold confrontation on the subject of sexual transgression among the Nephites, he quotes Jehovah:For behold, I, the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people in the land. . . .And I will not suffer, saith the Lord of Hosts, that the cries of the fair daughters of this people . . . shall come up unto me against the men of my people, saith the Lord of Hosts.For they shall not lead away captive the daughters of my people because of their tenderness, save I shall visit them with a sore curse, even unto destruction. [Jacob 2:31-33; emphasis added]Don't be deceived and don't be destroyed. Unless such fire is controlled, your clothes and your future will be burned. And your world, short of painful and perfect repentance, will go up in flames. I give that to you on good word--I give it to you on God's word.
A HOLY SACRAMENT
That leads me to my last reason, a third effort to say why. After soul and symbol, the word is sacrament, a term closely related to the other two. Sexual intimacy is not only a symbolic union between a man and a woman--the uniting of their very souls--but it is also symbolic of a union between mortals and deity, between otherwise ordinary and fallible humans uniting for a rare and special moment with God himself and all the powers by which he gives life in this wide universe of ours.In this latter sense, human intimacy is a sacrament, a very special kind of symbol. For our purpose here today, a sacrament could be any one of a number of gestures or acts or ordinances that unite us with God and his limitless powers. We are imperfect and mortal; he is perfect and immortal. But from time to time--indeed, as often as is possible and appropriate--we find ways and go to places and create circumstances where we can unite symbolically with him, and in so doing gain access to his power. Those special moments of union with God are sacramental moments--such as kneeling at a marriage altar, or blessing a newborn baby, or partaking of the emblems of the Lord's supper. This latter ordinance is the one we in the Church have come to associate most traditionally with the word sacrament, though it is technically only one of many such moments when we formally take the hand of God and feel his divine power.These are moments when we quite literally unite our will with God's will, our spirit with his spirit, where communion through the veil becomes very real. At such moments we not only acknowledge his divinity, but we quite literally take something of that divinity to ourselves. Such are the holy sacraments.Now, once again, I know of no one who would, for example, rush into the middle of a sacramental service, grab the linen from the tables, throw the bread the full length of the room, tip the water trays onto the floor, and laughingly retreat from the building to await an opportunity to do the same thing at another worship service the next Sunday. No one within the sound of my voice would do that during one of the truly sacred moments of our religious worship. Nor would anyone here violate any of the other sacramental moments in our lives, those times when we consciously claim God's power and by invitation stand with him in privilege and principality.But I wish to stress with you this morning, as my third of three reasons to be clean, that sexual union is also, in its own profound way, a very real sacrament of the highest order, a union not only of a man and a woman but very much the union of that man and woman with God. Indeed, if our definition of sacrament is that act of claiming and sharing and exercising God's own inestimable power, then I know of virtually no other divine privilege so routinely given to us all--women or men, ordained or unordained, Latter-day Saint or non-Latter-day Saint--than the miraculous and majestic power of transmitting life, the unspeakable, unfathomable, unbroken power of procreation. There are those special moments in your lives when the other, more formal ordinances of the gospel--the sacraments, if you will--allow you to feel the grace and grandeur of God's power. Many are one-time experiences (such as our own confirmation or our own marriage), and some are repeatable (such as administering to the sick or doing ordinance work for others in the temple). But I know of nothing so earth-shatteringly powerful and yet so universally and unstintingly given to us as the God-given power available in every one of us from our early teen years on to create a human body, that wonder of all wonders, a genetically and spiritually unique being never seen before in the history of the world and never to be duplicated again in all the ages of eternity--a child, your child--with eyes and ears and fingers and toes and a future of unspeakable grandeur.Imagine that, if you will. Veritable teenagers--and all of us for many decades thereafter--carrying daily, hourly, minute-to-minute, virtually every waking and sleeping moment of our lives, the power and the chemistry and the eternally transmitted seeds of life to grant someone else her second estate, someone else his next level of development in the divine plan of salvation. I submit to you that no power, priesthood or otherwise, is given by God so universally to so many with virtually no control over its use except self-control. And I submit to you that you will never be more like God at any other time in this life than when you are expressing that particular power. Of all the titles he has chosen for himself, Father is the one he declares, and Creation is his watchword--especially human creation, creation in his image. His glory isn't a mountain, as stunning as mountains are. It isn't in sea or sky or snow or sunrise, as beautiful as they all are. It isn't in art or technology, be that a concerto or computer. No, his glory--and his grief--is in his children. You and I, we are his prized possessions, and we are the earthly evidence, however inadequate, of what he truly is. Human life--that is the greatest of God's powers, the most mysterious and magnificent chemistry of it all--and you and I have been given it, but under the most serious and sacred of restrictions. You and I who can make neither mountain nor moonlight, not one raindrop nor a single rose--yet we have this greater gift in an absolutely unlimited way. And the only control placed on us is self-control--self-control born of respect for the divine sacramental power it is.Surely God's trust in us to respect this future-forming gift is awesomely staggering. We who may not be able to repair a bicycle nor assemble an average jigsaw puzzle--yet with all our weaknesses and imperfections, we carry this procreative power that makes us very much like God in at least one grand and majestic way.
A SERIOUS MATTER
Souls. Symbols. Sacraments. Does any of this help you understand why human intimacy is such a serious matter? Why it is so right and rewarding and stunningly beautiful when it is within marriage and approved of God (not just "good" but "very good," he declared to Adam and Eve), and so blasphemously wrong--like unto murder--when it is outside such a covenant? It is my understanding that we park and pet and sleep over and sleep with at the peril of our very lives. Our penalty may not come on the precise day of our transgression, but it comes surely and certainly enough, and were it not for a merciful God and the treasured privilege of personal repentance, far too many would even now be feeling that hellish pain, which (like the passion we have been discussing) is also always described in the metaphor of fire. Someday, somewhere, sometime the morally unclean will, until they repent, pray like the rich man, wishing Lazarus to "dip . . . his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame" (Luke 16:24).Some say the world will end in fire,Some say in ice.From what I've tasted of desireI hold with those who favor fire.In closing, consider this from two students of civilization's long, instructive story:No one man [or woman], however brilliant or well-informed, can come in one lifetime to such fullness of understanding as to safely judge and dismiss the customs or institutions of his society, for these are the wisdom of generations after centuries of experiment in the laboratory of history. A youth boiling with hormones will wonder why he should not give full freedom to his sexual desires; and if he is unchecked by custom, morals, or laws, he may ruin his life [or hers] before he matures sufficiently to understand that sex is a river of fire that must be banked and cooled by a hundred restraints if it is not to consume in chaos both the individual and the group. [Will and Ariel Durant, The Lessons of History (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1968), pp. 35-36]Or, in the more ecclesiastical words of James E. Talmage:It has been declared in the solemn word of revelation, that the spirit and the body constitute the soul of man; and, therefore, we should look upon this body as something that shall endure in the resurrected state, beyond the grave, something to be kept pure and holy. Be not afraid of soiling its hands; be not afraid of scars that may come to it if won in earnest effort, or [won] in honest fight, but beware of scars that disfigure, that have come to you in places where you ought not have gone, that have befallen you in unworthy undertakings [pursued where you ought not have been]; beware of the wounds of battles in which you have been fighting on the wrong side. [Talmage, CR, October 1913, p. 117]I love you for wanting to be on the right side of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I express my pride in and appreciation for your faithfulness. As I said earlier, you are an absolute inspiration to me. I consider it the greatest of all professional privileges to be associated with you at this university at a time in your lives when you are finalizing what you believe and forging what your future will be.If some few of you are feeling the "scars . . . that have come to you in places where you ought not have gone," I wish to extend to you the special peace and promise available through the atoning sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ. I testify of his love and of the restored gospel principles and ordinances which make that love available to us with all their cleansing and healing power. I testify of the power of these principles and ordinances, including complete and redeeming repentance, which are only fully realized in this the true and living church of the true and living God. That we may "come unto Christ" for the fullness of soul and symbol and sacrament he offers us, I pray in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen."

Slow road

I have begun attending a 12 step addiction recovery support group for spouses of addicts, that is available through my Church. The steps have been modified from the original 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Every week, we focus on 1 step. I started going at step 7: Humility. Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings. "We finally abandoned the idea that we could become perfect by ourselves, and we accept the truth that God desires us to conquer our weaknesses in this life by coming to Christ and being perfected in Him. By His grace, he enables us to deny ourselves of all ungodliness and to understand that salvation comes not by our own power, but by His." I am slowly learning that I can't do this FOR Leo, that he has to do it on his own. HE needs to decide to work through the steps on his own. I am still angry and hurt, and especially distrustful, but, maybe I can get through this. One of my favorite quotes from the week of humility is this: " When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities." (Ezra Taft Benson, Conference report April 1988) I am truly trying to prioritize my life right now. I am definitely putting my children at a higher priority lately than I was a month ago, and I have noticed a clear difference. When I went to this particular meeting, I found that I am NOT alone in this journey. Pornography is such a huge problem! How grateful I am for a program that offers support as well as friendship. I have found that it is a "safe" place to express my feelings and fears, and I among others that have been through, or are going through the same experiences that I am. I have made a goal to change my prayers for Leo. I am no longer going to ask for this addiction to be taken away, or for a rescue, but the Leo may have to opportunities and experiences that he needs in order to grow. I love him so much, and I desperately want him to be happy, and free. I also want to be happy and free. I know that I can't change Leo, but I can change me, and I will change me.

Still pluggin on

I was watching a talk on TV about repentance, and an analogy that was use was about a plant. Sometimes we want repentance to be an event, but it is a process, like plants. The speaker told a story about his son who was in Pre-School, they planted a bean in class that day, so the boy brought home the cup of dirt, placed it in a window with lots of light, and went to bed that night. In the morning, the boy came down to look at the plant, and in exasperation, said, "nothing is happening". Now, we all know that something indeed was happening under the ground. Repentance is like watching grass grow, if we just sit an watch, the change in imperceptible, but with patience, we see the change it goes through over time. Leo is having a change of heart, slowly, and I can see little inkling of change, but he has a long way to go. I on the other hand and having a very hard time still. Depression is sucky! I can blame him all I want, but I need the lord just as much as Leo does at this point in my life. I am hoping and praying that I can use the atonement of the Savior for my own hurts as well, and that I can heal, slowly like growing grass.

Taking responsibility

Ok, so here I am sitting on the computer, STILL. Neglecting my children. They are glued to the tube, except little Donna who is somewhat content just to be in my arms. Leo has gone to his support group twice, is feeling like he is being successful. Give me a break, two times? It is gonna take way more than two times to "prove" to me that he is serious. I seem to be getting deeper and deeper into a depressing funk that I can't seem to get out of. I did shower today, one success. I planned to meet with the church ladies this morning for our weekly get together, but found a reason not to go and didn't answer the phone when they called to see if I was coming...... I am not being the mom that I should be right now, but I can't seem to "log off" and give them my much needed attention. I hate who I have become. I know that I CAN be a good mommy, and that I NEED to be a good mommy, so I guess I need to take responsibility and "just do it" turn the computer off, and attempt to be present for my kids. Fake it till you make It right??

Pissed off

Well, the support group was a bust. Leo got a babysitter, she came over, I gave all the instructions etc. Headed out to the meeting place. Starts at 7:30, at 7:25 I am lost as lost can be, which is very unlike me, so I call Leo "uh, do you know where we are suppose to go? I am kinda lost, where are you?" I am just passing such and such FOUR TY FIVE MINUTES AWAY......... WTF???? Are you f..ing kidding me?? I say "I am going home" and hang up the phone. Meanwhile I actually FIND the place I am looking for and continue driving past. 2 minutes later, Leo calls back ....."well, since we have a babysitter and all, I figured we could still go, we don't meet together anyway, it's OK if we are late, why don't you just go....." Screaming ranting in the phone "F&@*, why can't you be on time for one d*#@ thing in your entire life!!!" click. I have to pull over and beat the steering wheel and cry because I am OUT OF MY MIND with anger. OK, now what do I do? I am done, stick a fork in me, I'm done. I am tired of this crap, same old song and dance for 13 years, so done. I go to the Library and pick a random book from the shelf, sit down and try to compose myself. Why me?!? Did I honestly choose this? What kind of life am I giving my children by being so bitter an angry? I am not the Mom that they need me to because I am so wrapped up in myself and my hurt, I have nothing to give to them. Library closes at 9, meeting is suppose to end at 9, I get in the car and wait for the call. I have all 3 car seats, Leo is unable to take the baby sitter home, she has to call her mom to come pick her up, I have the money (my birthday money) so he doesn't pay her. Calls me to find out where I am, when he should expect me home, is worried that I have done something drastic, driven off a cliff, gone to a bar, wrecked the car. I don't answer, listen to the voicemail and go to the 24 hour Wally World. I get a cart and walk every. single. isle of the store. It passed some time, and calmed me a little bit. I arrive home sometime after midnight, all three kids in my bed fast asleep. Leo doesn't understand why I couldn't just go myself, but a small apology was offered. I HATE new social situations, especially in a situation like this. I am embarrassed and humiliated that I have a husband that is addicted to porn. I feel like a failure as a wife, there must be something wrong with me, I feel like a fool, like a woman that stays with a man that beats her with a whip, that is what I feel like, a trampled looser of a fool. Why would I want to admit that to strangers? Even though it is a support group, and we are all in the same boat, I am still embarrassed. I need Leo to be there with me, I need to walk in together, I NEED his hand to hold. I can't do it by myself. He doesn't understand that I am broken, and I need HIM to mend me. He did this to me, he needs to fix me. I want him to try to walk in my shoes, even for a moment. I am a stranger, we have been married for 13 years, and I am a stranger, he doesn't know me at all, he has no concept of what I need, or want from him. Consideration, respect, for thought. Even though it isn't important to him to go together, it is important to me, and what is important to me, should be important to him, or at least considered. I am nothing to him, someone to take care of his kids during the day, and I am not being very success full at that as of late. I can only do this for so long, when is my breaking point?? I don't think I could be anymore shattered and broken. Six months, that is all I have. August 1st. Leo has an entire "garage of tools" that is sitting there, waiting to be used, and he is choosing to use a "butter knife" Use the right tools for the job and thing generally work out a little easier. What is the purpose of this trial? What am I to learn? Tell me God, what do you want me to learn? Please take this from me. I want to be happy, I want my children to be happy, I want a worthy Priesthood bearer in my home, I NEED that, I want to be exalted with my family, ALL of us together. Please take this from me, I can't do it anymore, I am an empty shell of anger and bitterness. Life is not worth living like this. Incidentally, the book that I picked up was about a boy and his father traveling alone together hoping for something better in the future. All that they had was hope and each other. I have neither.

Here we go again

Will it ever end? Will I ever be able to be a kind nice trusting wife? Can I be a good mom? Can I be a decent daughter/sister/friend if I am always being so angry? I have been pretty depressed as of late, like 5 or six months. I have gained about 20 pounds, and that certainly isn't pretty on my already heavy body. I sit at this computer all day, trying to find some kind of peace, some kind of happiness. I have found my own little addiction! The computer, face book, BLOGS. I am obsessed with blogs, all kinds, but mostly about people with hardships, sick babies and such. I guess I am grateful for the trials that I have, but damn, I hate it. Is my husband sincere? Leo is still plugging along, not using the tools that have been suggested for him. Recently we decided that it would be a good idea to do the 12 step addiction recovery program that is offered by our church www.mormon.org , www.provientliving.org It is a free program that is offered every day except Sunday and Monday. The program provides support for the addict as well as the spouse. Well, Leo went to a meeting a couple weeks ago, and said that it was "good" thought that I should come with him sometime, I say absolutely! I would love to come. Leo, what are we going to do with the kids? Well, since this is his deal, it is totally up to him to find a babysitter etc. Well, tonight, we talk, and he is like, I thought I would go to the support group tomorrow, is that OK with you? um, yeah, were you going to invite me? We don't have any money, so I though I would just go tomorrow night. Hmmm OK. I read a blog that had a post about porn addicts and should we stay married blah blah blah, and Leo was like, I am glad that you have some sort of outlet...... OUTLET? I thought that you were going to take me with you to your support group, but I guess not. Sincere? we shall see.