Crutch

I am feeling a little discombobulated lately. I so want Leo to "get better" to be free of this pornography addiction, and as I have been going to my addiction recovery support group, I have come to the realization that I am seriously co-dependent. I am addicted to co dependency. I use Leo's addiction to feed my emotions. I have used it as an excuse for my depression and sadness for so long, that now, as we are going through this recovery together, I have no one to blame but myself. I am having a really hard time grasping that. I have placed all my blame for my shortcomings onto my husband completely unfairly. His problem is not the problem with me, I am my own problem, and I have used this for so long, that I don't know how to fix myself. I feel the walls getting higher, I am starting to live in fear now. Things with Leo are going "well" at the moment, and that make me feel like something has to go wrong now. It is like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am waiting for the next screw up, so I can blame all my problems on Him. Man, how messed up is that??? I am feeling my anxiety level go up, because it has been 2 months since the last time, and they cycle always repeats.... I find myself "acting out" in my own ways lately. I have a problem with spending money, I have found that in the past, shopping gave me that "high" . I no longer feel that way about the high, but I do it to get revenge on my husband, because that is where it hurts him the most, trying to be the provider for the family. He messes up, so I go out and spend all of the money as a "payback". That doesn't work! I am hurting my family as well, not just him. It totally affects everyone in our family. He tells me, " you can't do that, you can't go out and spend the money just because it is in the account, we have bills that go through on specific days, and when it is time for those things to come out, there is nothing left" I know these things, I really do! So why do I keep doing it? It doesn't even feel good anymore, it just makes me more sad. As I work through the 12 steps, I will be doing it for myself, for spending addiction. I think that recently, as I have spent the $$$, it is to maybe subconsciously sabotage him into falling? I am a horrid wife! Make him depressed about the finances, in turn he gets more stressed, and what does he do in times of stress? Turns to his addiction..... I am sabotaging him! How terrible is that?? I need to get a grip on my own issues!! I need to stop making excuses, stop blaming Leo for all my problems, and get to the business of fixing myself. This week, the steps start over, step 1, admit that I have a problem. So, here I am. I am addicted to co-dependency and spending money. I will no longer use Leo's addiction as my crutch. I will sincerely do my best to fix me, and in the process, hopefully our lives will come back together. My kids don't need two addicted parents!