Pissed off

Well, the support group was a bust. Leo got a babysitter, she came over, I gave all the instructions etc. Headed out to the meeting place. Starts at 7:30, at 7:25 I am lost as lost can be, which is very unlike me, so I call Leo "uh, do you know where we are suppose to go? I am kinda lost, where are you?" I am just passing such and such FOUR TY FIVE MINUTES AWAY......... WTF???? Are you f..ing kidding me?? I say "I am going home" and hang up the phone. Meanwhile I actually FIND the place I am looking for and continue driving past. 2 minutes later, Leo calls back ....."well, since we have a babysitter and all, I figured we could still go, we don't meet together anyway, it's OK if we are late, why don't you just go....." Screaming ranting in the phone "F&@*, why can't you be on time for one d*#@ thing in your entire life!!!" click. I have to pull over and beat the steering wheel and cry because I am OUT OF MY MIND with anger. OK, now what do I do? I am done, stick a fork in me, I'm done. I am tired of this crap, same old song and dance for 13 years, so done. I go to the Library and pick a random book from the shelf, sit down and try to compose myself. Why me?!? Did I honestly choose this? What kind of life am I giving my children by being so bitter an angry? I am not the Mom that they need me to because I am so wrapped up in myself and my hurt, I have nothing to give to them. Library closes at 9, meeting is suppose to end at 9, I get in the car and wait for the call. I have all 3 car seats, Leo is unable to take the baby sitter home, she has to call her mom to come pick her up, I have the money (my birthday money) so he doesn't pay her. Calls me to find out where I am, when he should expect me home, is worried that I have done something drastic, driven off a cliff, gone to a bar, wrecked the car. I don't answer, listen to the voicemail and go to the 24 hour Wally World. I get a cart and walk every. single. isle of the store. It passed some time, and calmed me a little bit. I arrive home sometime after midnight, all three kids in my bed fast asleep. Leo doesn't understand why I couldn't just go myself, but a small apology was offered. I HATE new social situations, especially in a situation like this. I am embarrassed and humiliated that I have a husband that is addicted to porn. I feel like a failure as a wife, there must be something wrong with me, I feel like a fool, like a woman that stays with a man that beats her with a whip, that is what I feel like, a trampled looser of a fool. Why would I want to admit that to strangers? Even though it is a support group, and we are all in the same boat, I am still embarrassed. I need Leo to be there with me, I need to walk in together, I NEED his hand to hold. I can't do it by myself. He doesn't understand that I am broken, and I need HIM to mend me. He did this to me, he needs to fix me. I want him to try to walk in my shoes, even for a moment. I am a stranger, we have been married for 13 years, and I am a stranger, he doesn't know me at all, he has no concept of what I need, or want from him. Consideration, respect, for thought. Even though it isn't important to him to go together, it is important to me, and what is important to me, should be important to him, or at least considered. I am nothing to him, someone to take care of his kids during the day, and I am not being very success full at that as of late. I can only do this for so long, when is my breaking point?? I don't think I could be anymore shattered and broken. Six months, that is all I have. August 1st. Leo has an entire "garage of tools" that is sitting there, waiting to be used, and he is choosing to use a "butter knife" Use the right tools for the job and thing generally work out a little easier. What is the purpose of this trial? What am I to learn? Tell me God, what do you want me to learn? Please take this from me. I want to be happy, I want my children to be happy, I want a worthy Priesthood bearer in my home, I NEED that, I want to be exalted with my family, ALL of us together. Please take this from me, I can't do it anymore, I am an empty shell of anger and bitterness. Life is not worth living like this. Incidentally, the book that I picked up was about a boy and his father traveling alone together hoping for something better in the future. All that they had was hope and each other. I have neither.

Here we go again

Will it ever end? Will I ever be able to be a kind nice trusting wife? Can I be a good mom? Can I be a decent daughter/sister/friend if I am always being so angry? I have been pretty depressed as of late, like 5 or six months. I have gained about 20 pounds, and that certainly isn't pretty on my already heavy body. I sit at this computer all day, trying to find some kind of peace, some kind of happiness. I have found my own little addiction! The computer, face book, BLOGS. I am obsessed with blogs, all kinds, but mostly about people with hardships, sick babies and such. I guess I am grateful for the trials that I have, but damn, I hate it. Is my husband sincere? Leo is still plugging along, not using the tools that have been suggested for him. Recently we decided that it would be a good idea to do the 12 step addiction recovery program that is offered by our church www.mormon.org , www.provientliving.org It is a free program that is offered every day except Sunday and Monday. The program provides support for the addict as well as the spouse. Well, Leo went to a meeting a couple weeks ago, and said that it was "good" thought that I should come with him sometime, I say absolutely! I would love to come. Leo, what are we going to do with the kids? Well, since this is his deal, it is totally up to him to find a babysitter etc. Well, tonight, we talk, and he is like, I thought I would go to the support group tomorrow, is that OK with you? um, yeah, were you going to invite me? We don't have any money, so I though I would just go tomorrow night. Hmmm OK. I read a blog that had a post about porn addicts and should we stay married blah blah blah, and Leo was like, I am glad that you have some sort of outlet...... OUTLET? I thought that you were going to take me with you to your support group, but I guess not. Sincere? we shall see.