Broken

I am broken. Unfix able, beyond repair, might as well donate me to charity for use able parts, broken. If it isn't one thing, it is another. That's what life is all about right? Pushing on through the mud and the muck and the crap that surrounds us. Our financial outlook is bleak and I am discouraged, broken down and beaten. We are $350K in debt. This includes our home, student loans, credit card (just one), car loans (2) (both were paid off at one time, but were used as collateral for personal loans), family loans, and credit reserve. We have borrowed against our retirement and our options are few. How exactly did we get into this mess you may ask? One dollar at a time. How are we going to fix it? I have no idea. One dollar at a time I suppose. Leo is employed full time in a job that he loves and is good at, he makes a decent wage $62K. I work very part time at a job that I love and am good at. I earn about $12K. If I worked full time, I could bring in about $50K at my current pay. However, having four children and paying for child care would take over half of my paycheck, not to mention gas/car maintenance increases, all other costs related to two full time employed people in the home, we have figured that all in all, I would end up bring in just over $16K/year. NOT worth it when one considers having someone else raise my kids. I have gained 20 pounds in the last 6 months, I can't sleep, I don't remember the last time I smiled spontaneously. I have sacrificed every extra. No more sports for the kids, no more piano lessons, no cable (that one was easy to give up), no eating out, no new clothing ( I am lucky to have several good consignment stores nearby), Mikey has floods because I just can't seem to keep up with all of his growing! We have cut out every possible thing that we can think of, and we are still in the red every. single. month. We are not poor! We make a decent living! How is it that we can't make ends meet?

Leo and I were talking the other day about people in our situation. Many people get divorced, commit suicide, kill their spouses, file for bankruptcy, and give up. We have done none of those things. (yet) so I guess we are in a better situation as far as our relationship goes. If we can make it through porn addiction, I guess we can make it through this?

I have many things to be grateful for. My life, my children, Leo, my health, a roof over my head (for now), clothes on my back (even if they are outdated and worn), food on my table (even if it is ramen), a vehicle that runs (most of the time), a good education, a job that I love, supportive family, a few good friends.

I still feel broken. You hear the old adage, get out and serve, forget yourself, stop wallowing in self pity, do something good for someone else...... I had a chance to serve a family in my neighborhood this evening. The mother is having some major health problems and has been struggling for several months, but as I had the chance to speak with the dad, he was very optimistic and is grateful for this challenge in their lives. He said "well if this is as bad as it gets, then we are pretty blessed" . How I wish I could have that optimism. I can't see how I can get any worse, but I am still exceedingly blessed. I need to remember the good things that I do have and remain grateful and humble in all areas of my life. I am seeking the Lord to make me whole, I am placing my life in his hands and hoping and praying for some much needed relief, begging for it to come quick because I just can't do this anymore.

New Resources

Here are a couple of new resources that I have recently heard of. They have powerful messages and I hope that anyone that is struggling with this can find peace. I am continually working towards a happier life and a more optimistic outlook.

http://combatingpornography.org
http://outinthelight.com

Optimistic

It has been 19 months of sobriety. NINETEEN months. Such a drop in the bucket, but it still seems like a long time. Leo tells me that the desire has just gone away, he feels like he no longer feels the "need" to find physical gratification through pornography. Can this really be the end? We have had a lot of stress in our lives lately regarding money and trying to make ends meet, so I wonder if this challenge has just swept the pornography addiction under the rug for the moment. Will it rear its ugly head again? Should I let my guard down? I want to believe that Leo has had a change of heart, and that this is going to be a trial of the past, but I just don't know if I can let that wall down yet. Can I begin to heal, and let my wall down. The stones are being removed one at a time, but the Great Wall of China will take a long time to tear down. I asked Leo about attending the Temple again, (he hasn't had a recommend for over 10 years) and he said that he is afraid. Afraid that if he answers the question that he feels personally worthy to attend, that he will mess up again. He is so afraid of failure and his confidence is weak. This overlaps into his daily life. He is do consumed by fear of failure that he has a hard tome moving forward and progressing. Weather it is in his personal life, his spiritual life, or his professional life, he is paralyzed by fear. I pray daily that he can overcome his fears and strive to progress, not only regarding his addiction, but all areas of life as well. I know that he can do it. I am cautiously optimistic but pressing forward.