Changes

Seven years. It has been seven years since my last post.

I am a different person than I was 7 years ago. I have grown as a person, a wife, a mother, a professional, and as a former member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints.

Never, ever, ever did I expect to be where I am today. Never.

My husband is an exceptional human being.  For far too long, I believed that he was broken, that *I* was broken.  Shame and guilt are horrific things.  Pornography addiction is real. It can lead to broken lives, broken hearts, broken families, and broken promises.  I no longer believe that the experiences my husband has gone through was a true addiction.  A coping mechanism? Of course. A stress release? Yes.  A bad habit? Definitely. An addiction? Absolutely not. My husbands ability to live life without the vices of pornography for 95% of the time is admirable. His occasional viewing (often many months to years between views) did not effect his ability to live an honorable life. He has always been a kind, humble, caring, smart, loving human being. He spent ALL of his time feeling like a failure, unable to cope with the normal stresses of life, shameful that he he had normal sexual desires. I often withheld intimacy as a punishment for his perceived weakness.  Human beings are sexual creatures. We are meant to be attracted to bodies in order to perpetuate the human species. Sex is beautiful, wonderful, amazing, bonding, and down right fun!  It is suppose to be. Sex is a gift and a blessing. My husband's pornography viewing habits broke my heart because I felt that he did not love me.  Occasional viewing paired with masturbation made me feel like I was flawed and somehow not living up to the expectations of what a partner, wife, and lover should be.  My husband's occasional pornography use and coping mechanism has NOTHING to do with me. Nothing. The guilt and shame that my husband has carried for decades broke him.  Leo is a hard worker in all aspects of life. He is successful in his professional life, his educational life, his family life and his personal life.  He is my hero. I am not sure that I could ask for a better life partner and father for our children.  Does my husband love me? Yes, with all of his heart. Does he want to sleep with other women? Nope. Does he want to have an affair? No. Is he sharing intimacy with anyone else? No. Does he occasionally look at pornography? Yes. Does his pornography viewing impact his work? No. His school? No. His ability to relate to or care for our kids? No. His ability to love and share intimacy with me? No. Addiction is real, when it overtakes ones life. I made it out as a far bigger issue than it was. Our new motto is this: It doesn't matter where you get hungry, as long as you eat at home. I find human bodies beautiful and can appreciate the amazing creations that they are. I often denied that I found people other than my husband attractive, because of guilt and shame.  My husband and I are committed to our marriage as a partnership. We have children that we love, that we conceived in love and intend to co parent them into adulthood. We enjoy each others company, conversation and sex. Shame free, guilt free, fun, amazing, heart pounding sex. We are teaching our children that masturbation is a normal function of sexuality and should be done in private and not interfere with regular life responsibilities. We never want our children to feel shameful for enjoying normal, natural experiences.  We teach our children that sex is beautiful, wonderful, love affirming, powerful, and emotionally fulfilling and encourage them to partake in after marriage.  If they do choose to participate before marriage, we encourage them to be safe, smart, respectful of boundaries, ALWAYS get consent, and never use sex as a weapon.  Pornography does not kill love, shame kills love.

My husband continues to be a faithful, active, participating, believing member of "the church". His testimony is stronger than ever, and he is joyful. I am joyful. WE are joyful together.
 
My story is begging to be told, the words that have been trapped inside for so long are begging to be set free.  I am no longer anguished, I am joyful!