Where to start?

So, I read a blog recently that recommended that you blog about what you are passionate about. What am I passionate about? My kids? Work? Housework? The Gospel? My husband? hmmmmm, that IS the question. I have really never been great at journaling, or talking to people, or letting down my freaking huge walls that I have built around me, so I am hoping that this blogging thing will help me get it out, let these pent up feelings that are roaring to be released, OUT. I have always had the fear of writing things down.... what if somebody reads it? What if they judge me? What if I get hurt, yet again, by just letting it all out. Maybe someone will find this blog, maybe no one will, but I HAVE to get it out. So, in answer to the question, where to start? I guess I shall start at the beginning.....

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, ( and as soon as I can figure out how to get things linked up, I will get a link to the official church website. If you would like to know more, go to www.mormon.org or www.lds.org ) being a member of "the Church" we are held to higher standards than that of the world. Articles of Faith 13: "We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things." Pornography is wrong. It is a vise that in my opinion is worse than drugs. My husband of over a decade is addicted to pornography. He was first exposed to the filth when he was a young boy, around 6 years old. The father of a neighborhood friend had magazines around the house. Curiosity lead to many things in my husbands young life, many of which I didn't know of until the recent past. He experimented with gay sex ( when he was about 7 or 8) the boys saw it in the pictures and decided to try it. He played "hot dog and bun" with the neighbor girl. I am not sure if he just didn't know that that kind of behavior was wrong (he claims ignorance) or if he did know that something wasn't quite right, he just chose to ignore those promptings and chalk it up to "childhood curiosity". He tells me that his parents only ever told him that it was OK to be curious, but I don't think that to this day, they have any idea of what was going on in the young mind of their son. My husband was unable to build relationships with members of the opposite sex while a teenager, he use porn as an escape, idealizing women.... He used the excuses " oh when I am 12 and get the Priesthood, this will go away, when I get my Patriarchal Blessing, I will be able to get over it, when I go on my mission it won't be a problem, when I get married, and I can have sex, it will go away... when I have kids......." blah blah blah. He was almost sent home from his mission due to pornography, I think that he should have been sent home. when he came home he was not worthy to hold a Temple recommend.

When we were dating, and contemplating marriage, I found out his "dirty little secret" and really struggled with it. I prayerfully took it to the Lord and expressed my concern about starting a life with a man with such an ugly addiction. I felt in my heart and mind that I was suppose to marry him, and that we could be strong together, and that everything would be OK. Little did I know at the time how horribly wrong I would be. Maybe things WILL be OK in the next life, as this life IS the test.

Throughout or life together, I have felt terribly ugly, worthless, meaningless, useless. I have felt like a trampled rug. How many times can I go through the hurt that this continually causes me and our family? I knowingly married my husband, willingly married him in hopes of "fixing" him. (I have since learned that I can only fix myself, which I have been unable to do, as I am so preoccupied with how DH is doing.....) Oh sure, there have been good times, happy times, times when I think things are OK. It is all just a farce. We have seen Bishop after Bishop, counselor after counselor, both individually and together, with what success? NONE. What is it that I expect? Do I expect change? Sincerity? Respect? On more than one occasion, I have sought the advise of an attorney, but each time I remember that I knelt at the alter in the Temple of the Lord, and made covenants and promises that I don't take lightly. But, with that said, am I really keeping my covenants by being so overbearing towards my him? Am I really using the atonement for my own salvation? Am I really forgiving? Or am I just going through the motions, because that is what I am suppose to do, what I am expected to do. I am tired of being a hand holder. I love my husband, but am I in love with him anymore? I don't know.