Tired

I'm tired, and frustrated, and generally pissed off!! I am finding that my main emotion is just plain pissyness. I am tired of being a hand holder. Leo claims that he just can't remember the things that he has said that he will do. I think that it is just plain old freaking laziness and irresponsibility. He can't seem to take responsibility of anything! How can I be more supportive and helpful if it just the same old song and dance? Is he sincere? Probably not. Am I just lacking faith? Do I need to what, give myself up? I think I already have, years ago. Leo and I were talking the other day about our families, how we grew up, so differently. I have serious trust issues. My father is generally a grump, has been for my entire life, and probably his too. I can't trust him to speak kindly to me, my children, Leo, my mom..... anyone. It is like walking on egg shells to be around him. I can't trust Leo, he has lied to me countless times... so, if I can't trust my father, or my husband, my family essentially, who can I trust? My heart has been trampled too many times. Where can I turn for the peace that I am seeking? How can I be so NOT pissed off all the time? It is affecting my children, and that is that last thing that I want, for my children to have the same kind of memories of a pissy parent that I have. I need to be a better person, a better mom, a better wife.

We have a problem with planning in our house. Leo tends to just NOT think about things. Classic example: Saturday evening, kids are hungry, I am taking a nap with Donna, I worked the previous night, so I am tired. I fell asleep with Donna on accident, I wake up to the crying screaming voices of Mikey and Raph. They are HUNGRY. When they are hungry, they are pissed off. I come downstairs to see what the issue is, and Leo is offering them a snack. A snack. It is 7:30 PM and he is giving them a snack. I stated that it was probably a good idea to give them actual dinner since it was an hour after dinner time. Leo says "Well, I didn't know what you wanted to do because you were sleeping, and I thought that they were hungry, so I wanted to give them a snack." me: "Maybe dinner is more appropriate?" Leo: I didn't notice what time it was.... Did you have something planned? " me: "maybe you could have woken me up?" Leo: " I didn't want to wake you up because you need the sleep" (that WAS nice of him) me: You know that we eat dinner EVERY night at 6 or 6:30. Why is tonight any different.? L: "well I didn't know what you had planned, so I thought I would give them a snack to tide them over until dinner." Me: "It is after dinner, take the initiative and DO something that you know needs to be done, don't just ignore it!" So there the conversation goes... well I just didn't think of it excuse. Why why why can't he just THINK? Am I being too hard on the guy? Do what need to be done, suck it up and just do it. Don't depend on me to do it all the time. Leo claims that he just doesn't think like me, I feel like he just doesn't think at all. The other day, the spigot for the outside faucet broke. Mikey and Raph LOVE to play in the water. Leo was planning to fix it. Once again it is late evening 7:30 ish, I am finishing up feeding Donna the favorite mashed green beans. Leo turns off the main water and starts to dismantle the spigot (without my knowing that he was going to start). Great, I appreciate the initiative. Once I finish feeding Donna the green beans that are decorating her face, it is bath time for the kids (generally the same time every night). I go to wash Donna's face, no water... find out that the spigot has been removed (and it is not a typical spigot, we need some sort of specialty tool) OK no problem, handy baby wipes will do the job. 8:15 PM (mind you bedtime is 9:00) Mikey and Raph covered in sand and dirt, they need a bath before bed. Go to turn the bath on... oh yeah no water.... Leo comes in "hey I'm going to go to HD for this part. I will be back in about an hour". Now here is where it gets interesting, he KNOWS that I was feeding Donna, and she is NOT a clean eater being only 6 months old, he KNOWS that it is bath time, bed time, and now we have no water!?! I felt like there was no thinking going on. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the fact that he actually took the initiative to start fixing the spigot, but the timing? ALL Wrong. What was he thinking?? I felt like he wasn't. I felt like he didn't take into consideration anyone else in the family before turning off the water without telling anyone!! Am I wrong to feel mad about that? My PLAN was messed up?? I am going over board with the plan? Can I not be flexible?? Is it fair to ask for a little advanced notice of something like that taking place? Bed time is sacred at our house, and I count on the same routine for bed time. I think he truly WAS trying to be helpful, but it messed up the WHOLE evening!! I feel like he was being extremely selfish and inconsiderate. I was probably too hard on him, but come on, our routine is the same every freaking DAY.