Slow road

I have begun attending a 12 step addiction recovery support group for spouses of addicts, that is available through my Church. The steps have been modified from the original 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Every week, we focus on 1 step. I started going at step 7: Humility. Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings. "We finally abandoned the idea that we could become perfect by ourselves, and we accept the truth that God desires us to conquer our weaknesses in this life by coming to Christ and being perfected in Him. By His grace, he enables us to deny ourselves of all ungodliness and to understand that salvation comes not by our own power, but by His." I am slowly learning that I can't do this FOR Leo, that he has to do it on his own. HE needs to decide to work through the steps on his own. I am still angry and hurt, and especially distrustful, but, maybe I can get through this. One of my favorite quotes from the week of humility is this: " When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities." (Ezra Taft Benson, Conference report April 1988) I am truly trying to prioritize my life right now. I am definitely putting my children at a higher priority lately than I was a month ago, and I have noticed a clear difference. When I went to this particular meeting, I found that I am NOT alone in this journey. Pornography is such a huge problem! How grateful I am for a program that offers support as well as friendship. I have found that it is a "safe" place to express my feelings and fears, and I among others that have been through, or are going through the same experiences that I am. I have made a goal to change my prayers for Leo. I am no longer going to ask for this addiction to be taken away, or for a rescue, but the Leo may have to opportunities and experiences that he needs in order to grow. I love him so much, and I desperately want him to be happy, and free. I also want to be happy and free. I know that I can't change Leo, but I can change me, and I will change me.