Fear

It has been said that Faith can not live where fear resides. I am surrounded by fear on every side. Leo has been "clean" for an extended period of time, 9 months to be exact. That seems to be a long time for him. Because it has been a long time, the fear inside of me is building, waiting, anticipating and EXPECTING a fall! Where is my faith? Where is my peace? I should feel relief, success, joy that it has been so long. However, I also see that Leo is not playing the defense. Is he using that resources and tools that are so valuable? Not that I can see. I know that this is such an internal battle, but I have become an outsider, a spectator. I feel like I am not part of his recovery anymore. We no longer talk, we rarely touch and my heart continues to break. I know that I am doing this to myself. I am not turning to the Lord to take this hurt away, I am not playing defense either. I am just waiting, waiting for crash again. I know that I need to work on my own healing, but I seem to be paralyzed by fear. I can not move forward, I am stuck, and I continue to wallow in my self pity. Leo is a GOOD man, he is a wonderful father and a hard worker. Why can't I look and see that? Why must I concentrate on the bad, on the weaknesses? There is a mote in my eye, that I can't seem to remove. I am going to work on me. I can only fix me, and I need to do better at that. The time is now to fix me! The Lord can strengthen me and help me to look beyond the addiction and my co-dependency to become a better person. To be the person that Heavenly Father wants me to be. Please keep me in your prayers, the whole 2 of you that read. I want to be better, I want to be good, I want to be worthwhile.