Broken

I am broken. Unfix able, beyond repair, might as well donate me to charity for use able parts, broken. If it isn't one thing, it is another. That's what life is all about right? Pushing on through the mud and the muck and the crap that surrounds us. Our financial outlook is bleak and I am discouraged, broken down and beaten. We are $350K in debt. This includes our home, student loans, credit card (just one), car loans (2) (both were paid off at one time, but were used as collateral for personal loans), family loans, and credit reserve. We have borrowed against our retirement and our options are few. How exactly did we get into this mess you may ask? One dollar at a time. How are we going to fix it? I have no idea. One dollar at a time I suppose. Leo is employed full time in a job that he loves and is good at, he makes a decent wage $62K. I work very part time at a job that I love and am good at. I earn about $12K. If I worked full time, I could bring in about $50K at my current pay. However, having four children and paying for child care would take over half of my paycheck, not to mention gas/car maintenance increases, all other costs related to two full time employed people in the home, we have figured that all in all, I would end up bring in just over $16K/year. NOT worth it when one considers having someone else raise my kids. I have gained 20 pounds in the last 6 months, I can't sleep, I don't remember the last time I smiled spontaneously. I have sacrificed every extra. No more sports for the kids, no more piano lessons, no cable (that one was easy to give up), no eating out, no new clothing ( I am lucky to have several good consignment stores nearby), Mikey has floods because I just can't seem to keep up with all of his growing! We have cut out every possible thing that we can think of, and we are still in the red every. single. month. We are not poor! We make a decent living! How is it that we can't make ends meet?

Leo and I were talking the other day about people in our situation. Many people get divorced, commit suicide, kill their spouses, file for bankruptcy, and give up. We have done none of those things. (yet) so I guess we are in a better situation as far as our relationship goes. If we can make it through porn addiction, I guess we can make it through this?

I have many things to be grateful for. My life, my children, Leo, my health, a roof over my head (for now), clothes on my back (even if they are outdated and worn), food on my table (even if it is ramen), a vehicle that runs (most of the time), a good education, a job that I love, supportive family, a few good friends.

I still feel broken. You hear the old adage, get out and serve, forget yourself, stop wallowing in self pity, do something good for someone else...... I had a chance to serve a family in my neighborhood this evening. The mother is having some major health problems and has been struggling for several months, but as I had the chance to speak with the dad, he was very optimistic and is grateful for this challenge in their lives. He said "well if this is as bad as it gets, then we are pretty blessed" . How I wish I could have that optimism. I can't see how I can get any worse, but I am still exceedingly blessed. I need to remember the good things that I do have and remain grateful and humble in all areas of my life. I am seeking the Lord to make me whole, I am placing my life in his hands and hoping and praying for some much needed relief, begging for it to come quick because I just can't do this anymore.